I have worked in the Human Resources field for the better part of 20 years. During that time, I've been involved with the various different areas that fall within the broader HR spectrum: recruitment, employee relations, benefits, compensation, training, HRIS, etc. Each area has it positives and negatives, but one common thread is that no two days in HR are the same. I've lost count of the days when I came to work with a "To Do" list, spent 8 or 9 hours running around like a crazy person all day, only to realize at the end of the day that I didn't make a dent in my "To Do" list. Such are the joys of a career built around people.
In my years in HR, something that has never ceased to amaze me are some of the things that job applicants write on applications, cover letters or resumes. It's a wonder how some of these people are ever able to get a job! For years, I've joked about writing a book about how to NOT get a job-- about what to NOT do when you are looking for a job. While I haven't yet found the time to write that book, I thought I'd share some of the wacky examples via this blog.
All of these examples are 100% real; to quote Dave Barry, "I am not making this up." All applicant names and company names have been omitted or modified to protect the identities of the guilty.
Enjoy!
TIP 1: There's such a thing as being too honest.
[Applicant had previous experience as a bouncer at a nightclub and was applying for a job as a custodian.]
Application Question: What did you like best about your job?
Applicant Answer: The girls
Application Question: What did you like least about your job?
Applicant Answer: When drunk people would throw up on me
The Golden Rules (TGR) Commentary: Really? You couldn't say tweak it and say that your favorite part of the job was, I don't know, "interacting with the public?" Or that your least favorite part was "having to deal with disruptive customers?"
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[This was the final two sentence in an applicant's cover letter for an Analyst position. The entire letter was written in ALL CAPS but I will use correct case so that you, my dear readers, don't think I'm yelling at you. All other grammatical errors and misspelled words are the applicant's mistakes that I have copied down verbatim.]
"The reason why I am applying for this position is that I think that I can do my best in a different environment instead of working behind a counter with customers nagging down your throat in front of your face about getting thier order wrong and it was all the customers fault. So please help me on getting the best job that I can get to help me raise four children alone in this world."
TGR Commentary: So, clearly it's a good thing that she's not applying for a customer service job, no? But, hey fellas, it sounds like she's single!
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[Applicant filled out an application for "Customers Sales" job.]
Application Question: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Applicant Answer: Yes
Application Question: If yes, please explain.
Applicant Answer: Stealing unemployment by deceit that is all
TGR Commentary: I give him points for honesty, but perhaps he should be a little less descriptive. Perhaps he should just say "stealing" or "fraud" rather than admitting that he was getting money via unemployment through deceptive means. I also love the "that is all" qualifier. But at least he has initiative, right?
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[Applicant filled out an application for a "Laborer" job.]
Application Question: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Applicant Answer: Yes
Application Question: If yes, please explain.
Applicant Answer: Assault but it wasn't my fault
TGR Commentary: It's generally never a good idea to play the victim card on your application. However, I give him points for rhyming.
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[This is the first sentence of the cover letter. Yes, it really is. I swear.]
"I'm a 42 year old black mother of three and I need a job that will allow me to provide for my family."
TGR Commentary: AUGH! You just told me everything I'm not supposed to know about an applicant in your first sentence! I now know your age, race and parental status...and it's not like I can unread that!
TIP 2: Proofread, always proofread. (Also, spell check helps.)
[This is a cover letter for a person applying for a clerical job. Verbatim.]
I am currently employed with South Western Bell Telephone. I am a meeting expectation in all area such and safety, attendance, and efficiency in doing my job. I am considered an asset to the company I work and will try to obtain the sam standard within your company. I know how to take order and directions and give them as well. I do adapt to differnet and environments well and work with others aas a team player. If iven the opportunity to be offered a position within you company I will do the same thing.
Thank in advance
TGR Commentary: At least she did not list attention to detail as a strength!
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[This is the first item listed in the "Relevant Work Experience" section of a different applicant's resume.]
ACCOUNTANT ABC HEALLT CARE
TGR Commentary: I'm guessing she meant "Healthcare" not "Heallt Care". Unfortunately for her (and unlike the poor soul above), she lists being a "detail-oriented person" on both her cover letter and the "Summary of Qualification" section of her resume. Oops! She also has a college degree.
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[This was in the address on the cover letter.]
Attn: IT RECUTIOR
[Same applicant, in the salutation on the cover letter.]
Dear IT RECURITOR
[Same applicant, first paragraph of the cover letter.]
I am a resent graduated from a local college with a degree in Information Systems-Computer Network Specialist. I am searching for an employment opportunity with in your company to utilize my most recent learning experience.
TGR Commentary: First of all, not only can this applicant not spell "recruiter," she is not even consistent in how she misspells it. Spell check would have helped here. Then, she spells "recent" two different ways in the same paragraph. Sadly, spell check would not have helped her here.
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[In the education section of the resume.]
SOUTHERN ILLINIOS UNIVERSITY
Bachelors of Science in Mechanical Engineering Technology
SOUTHWESTERN ILLINIOS COLLEGE
Associates of Applied Science
TGR Commentary: He spelled Illinois incorrectly two different times. I'm fairly certain spell check would have helped. But at least he's consistent!
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[Cover letter for an applicant for a Customer Service Representative position]
I am an experience Customer Service Representative with an excellent performace record for the pass 14 years at ABC Company.
I left ABC Company due to reducation of work force involving 20-25 employees in all areas of the Company.
The reducation in work force was cause to weak sales and loss profits over the last two years.
TGR Commentary: Hmmm....can't imagine why this person would have been one of the employees that was let go during the reduction of the work force.
TIP 3: Know what words mean and use them correctly.
[Objective statement in the applicant's resume]
My goals are to evangelize a company and its services through a business relations and development role.
TGR Commentary: "To evangelize a company?" What the heck does that mean?
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[Second sentence of a cover letter]
I currently have six years of retail buying experience and am looking to transcend those skills into your industry.
TGR Commentary: I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that he doesn't know what "transcend" means. I'm guessing he meant to say "transfer," but I can't be sure.
TIP 4: If you're not capable of spelling or proofreading, please get assistance from someone who can.
[Applicant filled out an application for a field-based job.]
Application Question: List qualifying skills for the position.
Applicant Answer: I do not have eney skills for this jobe but if you give me a chanse at this jobe i will be the best that i cane be becuse i ame a verey harde working person.
This applicant also attended "XYZ Siner High School."
TGR Commentary: I'm not even going to say anything about this one. It makes me sad.
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[This last one is epic. Over the years, this applicant has applied at our company dozens of times, always with the same resume and cover letter with the same wacky mistakes.]
In the Skills/Qualfications section of the resume, he lists (among others), these "skills":
Hot cold winner
Street Walking
Capable
Performance/Excellence
Extensive.
In the Work History section, beneath his actual work history, he lists this:
Baseball Player Philadelphia Phillips Farm Club Philadelphia
[Same applicant's cover letter - verbatim. All words and punctuation - or lack thereof - are exactly how it is on the cover letter. I recommend reading it out loud. See how far you can make it before you start laughing.]
Dear ABC Company caught my attention, my achievements and Background I can help Your company like be on time worker overtime lean and grow with you and adept Well changes around The Utility Company for further to come, team player for you self start and part of team for the futher come, I can be good ideally suite for a open in the Laborer worker or Meter Reader you in futher to come, Achievement the company worker gold in around the company be safety employee for you, my gold Worker grow and lean company in futher to come, I would like to have change to meet and greet you as Well as working with the company on the professional level, Thank you.
My enclosed resume provides additional detail
Thank you I am confident that a personal interview will give you a clearer indication of my abilities week so we may discuss my qualifications as they relate to your needs.
TGR Commentary: Again, I almost don't want to say anything about this one because, God bless his soul, he's trying. Having said that, the cover letter makes no sense. What's up the the frequent use of the phrase "in futher to come?" I suspect the last sentence was lifted from somewhere else because it sounds much more coherent than the rest of the letter. Also, I'm not sure what sort of skill a "Hot cold winner" is and I recommend not listing "Street Walking" as a skill on one's resume.
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I have more where those came from, but I will save them for a future post. I hope reading this gave you a chuckle and put a smile on your face.
As always, thanks for reading!
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