Ranking the One-Hit Wonders of the '80s

Every decade has its share of so-called "one-hit wonders" - songs by a band or artist who manage to produce one big hit song, only to never again duplicate the feat.  However, I submit that the decade of the 1980s had more than most decades.  Many of them were by New Wave bands from Europe who may have had more success in other countries, but only one big hit in the U.S.

With that in mind, here is my ranking of the "one-hit wonders" of the '80s.  For the purposes of this list, my definition of "one-hit wonder" is a band/artist who had only one top 20 hit on the U.S. charts. 

Here we go...starting with the worst "one-hit wonder" of the '80s and working our way up to the best and grouping them into some subcategories along the way.

WHAT WE WERE THINKING?

42. Biz Markie - "Just a Friend" (#9 on the Hot 100 in 1989) - A song by a guy with a speech impediment who can neither sing nor rap.  I still think this song was popular only because it was sooo bad.

41. Toni Basil - "Mickey" (#1 in 1982) - An odd, repetitious cheerleader chant song that is as catchy as it is annoying.  I also blame the success of this song for inspiring one of the dumbest hit songs of all time, "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani.

40. Musical Youth - "Pass the Dutchie" (#10 in 1982) - Did you know that this song is about passing pot around, even though they changed some of the lyrics to obscure that fact?  I didn't.

39. Taco - "Puttin' On The Ritz" (#4 in 1983) - Did you know that this is actually a cover of a song originally written in 1929 by Irving Berlin, the same guy who wrote "White Christmas" and "God Bless America"?  In fact, when the song hit the Top Ten, it made Berlin (who was 95 at the time) the oldest songwriter to have a song in the Top Ten.  Weird but true.  Maybe Taco would have had more hits if he'd made synth pop covers of more 50 year old songs.

38. Don Johnson - "Heartbeat" (#5 in 1986) - In the '80s, lots of TV and movie stars tried their hand at music.  Of all of those efforts, this one is the worst.  Crockett should have stuck with chasing down drug dealers while driving expensive Italian cars.  These days, he's probably more well known as the father of the cute girl in all of those trashy mainstream S&M movies that I've never seen.

37. Eddie Murphy - "Party All the Time" (#2 in 1985) - Another actor cum singer, this song is marginally better than the #38 song, thanks largely to the involvement of Rick James.  At least this one is a little bit catchy, even if Eddie's singing is about as embarrassing as his acting career trajectory in the '90s.

36. Thomas Dolby - "She Blinded Me With Science" (#5 in 1982) - A bizarre, synthesizer-laden song that occasionally features a "mad scientist" (who was an actual scientist from England) periodically blurting out "Science!"  It's unique for sure but not necessarily good.  This one of the rare new wave songs that was actually more successful in the U.S. than it was in the UK.


I ACTUALLY DON'T REMEMBER HEARING THESE IN THE '80s, SO HOW GOOD COULD THEY REALLY BE?

35. Baltimora - "Tarzan Boy" (#13 in 1986) - This song uses Tarzan's cry as part of the melody. Enough said.

34. Godley & Creme - "Cry" (#16 in 1985) - I remember some of the videos they directed in the 1980s (especially for The Police and Duran Duran), but I don't remember this song.

33. Paul Hardcastle - "19" (#15 in 1985) - I hear this one on 1st Wave on SiriusXM sometimes but, without that, I wouldn't remember this one, either.


FINALLY.  SOME HALFWAY DECENT SONGS THAT I ACTUALLY REMEMBER HEARING.

32. Gary Numan - "Cars" (#9 in 1980) - No chorus and an robotic, expressionless vocal delivery is somewhat redeemed by some catchy synthesizer hooks.

31. Frankie Goes to Hollywood - "Relax" (#10 in 1983) - This one has to be one of the dirtiest hit songs ever, right?  I mean, there's not much subtlety here.

30. Grover Washington, Jr. - "Just the Two of Us" (#2 in 1981) - This is one of the best soft rock/soft jazz numbers of the '80s.  Every time I hear it, I'm transported back to the dentist office where it was piped in for years after its release.

29. Bobby McFerrin - "Don't Worry, Be Happy" (#1 in 1988) - I struggled with where to rank this one.  On the hand, it's a little annoying - almost too upbeat (if there is such a thing.)  On the other hand, it DOES have a positive message and it was the first a cappella song to hit #1 and all of the "instruments" are actually vocals and noises made by McFerrin, which is kind of impressive.  So, we'll split the vote and put it 1/3 of the way down the list.  Disagree?  Don't worry - be happy that I didn't rank it lower.

28. The Vapors - "Turning Japanese" (#36 in 1980) - Technically, this one doesn't meet my own criteria for "one-hit wonder" since it peaked at #36 on the charts, but I'm including it anyway because it was truly their only hit song.  It has a cool Asian guitar riff, which is a plus.  It may or may not be about...uhhh....self pleasure, which is a negative.  If that is, indeed, the subject, it's still nowhere as good as "Blister in the Sun" by Violent Femmes or "Longview" by Green Day.

27. Swing Out Sister - "Breakout" (#6 in 1986) - Did you know that this band is named after a 1945 movie and they chose it because it was the only thing they could agree on - they all hated it.  The song is better than the band's name.  Points for the horns, though.

26. Rockwell - "Somebody's Watching Me" (#2 in 1984) - The verses are primarily spoken by Rockwell, while the chorus is sung by Michael Jackson (with backing vocals by Jermaine Jackson).  It's an odd mix, but it works.  Bonus points for the whackadoodle, horror flick video, too.

25. Chris de Burgh - "The Lady in Red" (#3 in 1987) - Chances are good that you either LOVE this song or HATE this song.  You either think it is a powerful love song or a schmaltzy pile of easy listening crap.  I'm actually one of the few people who straddle the fence between love and hate, so it winds up close to the middle of our list.


FAMOUS STARS WHO ALSO SING PRETTY WELL (or at least better than Don Johnson and Eddie Murphy)

24. Jack Wagner - "All I Need" (#2 in 1984) - Our 2nd entry by an '80s actor heartthrob (and 3rd entry by an actor).  This was is decidedly better than Don Johnson's and Eddie Murphy's entries, even if it is a little schmaltzy.  But, hey, we needed to slow song for the couple's skate at the roller rink, right?

23. Patrick Swayze - "She's Like the Wind" (#3 in 1988) - Another song by an actor and another big hit. This one gets the nudge since Swayze not only sang it but also co-wrote it and it was part of one of the biggest movie soundtracks of all time.


NOW WE'RE STARTING TO HIT OUR STRIDE (pun intended)

22. Michael Sembello - "Maniac" (#1 in 1983) - A big hit from a big movie ("Flashdance"), I dare you to listen to this song and NOT think about Jennifer Beale training and dancing in her warehouse apartment while wearing leg warmers.

21. Lipps Inc. - "Funkytown" (#1 in 1980) - It's got a good beat and you can dance to it.  A good bridge from the disco of the late '70s to the synthesizer-dominated new wave sounds of the early '80s.

20. Matthew Wilder - "Break My Stride" (#5 in 1983) - It's an upbeat, positive little ditty that manages to rhyme "China" and "find ya" in the first verse and "rocky" and "cocky" in the second verse.  It has a nice reggae/calypso beat that makes it unique.  This is probably one of the lesser known songs on this list.  Call it a hidden gem, I guess.

19. Nena - "99 Luftballons" (#2 in 1984) - Two versions of this song were released in the U.S. - one in German ("99 Luftballons") and one in English ("99 Red Balloons").  Interestingly, the German version was more popular, hitting #2 on the charts, while the English version didn't even chart.  Both versions feature prominent synthesizer lines and lyrics about a nuclear war caused by some children's balloons. Yikes.

18. Madness - "Our House" (#7 in 1983) - A fun little working class song featuring prominent horns.  When I was a kid, I always wondered why they'd build their house in the middle of the street.

17. The Dream Academy - "Life in a Northern Town" (#7 in 1985) - A solemn, evocative song with very nice vocal harmonies and a unique structure.  In a time when synthesizers dominated pop music, this song was a nice change of pace.

16. After the Fire - "Der Kommisar" (#5 in 1983) - This is actually an English language cover of the song in German by Falco.  I have no idea what it's about in whichever language it's performed, but the chorus is catchy (Don't turn around! Wha-OH!).  Part of the reason that After the Fire was a one-hit wonder?  They'd actually broken up in 1982, before this song became popular in the U.S.

15. Love and Rockets - "So Alive" (#3 in 1989) - One of the few rock songs on the list, I figured this band was going to be huge.  I was wrong.

14. Kajagoogoo - "Too Shy" (#5 in 1983) - Another new wave, synth pop gem with a catchy chorus.  Come on, you just sang "Too shy shy! Hush hush, eye to eye!", right?  Kajagoogoo had a few other hits across the pond, but this was it for them in the U.S.

13. Devo - "Whip It" (#14 in 1980) - This is undoubtedly one of the stranger songs and videos to ever become a hit.  Who can forget the weird flower pot hats, safety glasses and whip sound effects?  Odd though it may be, it was undisputedly a huge hit that helped define new wave music as the 1970s morphed into the 1980s.


SOME OVERLOOKED GEMS

12. Edie Brickell & New Bohemians (#7 in 1988) - A funky number that sounded different than almost everything else on the radio in the late '80s, it allowed Mrs. Paul Simon to have one big hit before going back into relative obscurity.

11.  When in Rome - "The Promise" (#11 in 1989) - This song is less well known than most of these one-hit wonders, but I've always really liked it.  It was one of the last new wave/synth pop songs of the decade.  It has a good pulsing dance beat and a great chorus with lyrics that say what I had wanted to say at times growing up - a friend who wanted to be more.  I encourage you to check out the lyrics and spin this tune when you get the chance.  You won't be disappointed.

10. The Jeff Healey Band - "Angel Eyes" (#5 in 1989) - This is a song that rarely if ever gets played on the radio on an '80s channel and it's a shame because it is an excellent song.  A blues rock number featuring the unique guitar playing of Jeff Healey (who was blind), the lyrics by John Hiatt are some that any guy who has truly been in love can relate to.  I think it sometimes slips through the cracks because it came out at the very tail end of the '80s and didn't fit into the new wave/synth pop or hair band buckets that typically get airtime when you're talking about the '80s.


JUST OUTSIDE THE BIGGEST HITS

9. Johnny Hates Jazz - "Shattered Dreams" (#5 in 1988) - "You've given me, given me nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams, feel like I could run away, run away from this empty heart."  You just sang it as you read it, didn't you?  It's okay to admit it because this song as catchy as heck.

8. The Church - "Under the Milky Way" (#24 on the Hot 100, #2 on the Mainstream Rock charts in 1988) - This song's ethereal, dreamy sound is a perfect fit for the title. It has a little touch of psychedelia in it as well, what with the guitar solo that sounds like bagpipes.  It is an underrated slice of alternative rock in the pre-grunge era of the late 1980s.

7. Peter Schilling - "Major Tom (Coming Home)" (#14 in 1983) - This song is an unofficial sequel to David Bowie's Major Tom character from his 1969 song "Space Oddity."  It's about an astronaut stranded in outer space following an accident.  Sing it with me now: "Earth below us, drifting, falling, floating weightless..."

6. 'Til Tuesday - "Voices Carry" (#4 in 1985) - In the 1980s, music videos and MTV were often a large component of a song's success and this song is a good example of that.  The video, which visually told the story in support of the lyrics about an abusive relationship, was a perfect example of what made MTV great back in its nascent years.  A well-made, creative video that helps to bring more exposure to a terrific song.  Who can forget when Aimee Mann takes of her hat during a performance at Carnegie Hall, revealing spiky hair and a rat tail when she slowly sings louder and louder? This is one of my favorite videos from the '80s, as well as one of my favorite songs from that era.


THE MONSTER, TIMELESS HITS THAT SCREAM "I LOVE THE '80s!"

5. Soft Cell - "Tainted Love" (#8 in 1981) - Did you know that this is actually a cover of a soul song that was originally written and recorded in the mid-1960s?  It was never successful until English duo Soft Cell did a remake of it in the early 1980s, when it became of the first big new wave hits.  The now iconic synthesizer line is instantly recognizable and who can't relate to the notion of a love gone bad?  This is a song that I think was played at every dance I went to in college (which was more than a decade after its release), so it's had staying power for a long, long time. DUH DUH duh duh duh duh duh duh...

4. Dexys Midnight Runners - "Come On Eileen" (#1 in 1983) - It was a unique song with a unique structure.  It was a mix of Celtic folk, soul and new wave featuring prominent fiddles.  It has tempo and key changes, made up words and, in the verses, largely unintelligible lyrics.  The chorus is the singer's attempt pick up or seduce Eileen, while admitting that he's having dirty thoughts about her.  It doesn't quite sound like anything else from the early '80s but it was without a doubt a massive hit.  Also, don't forget about the video, which featured the band singing on a street corner while all wearing matching overalls!  Another indication that it was a timeless '80s hit was that it was covered by a punk/ska band in the late '90s.  In this case, it was Save Ferris and they substituted horns for the fiddle portions and sped up the tempo to more of a breakneck pace. 

3. Tommy Tutone - "867-5309/Jenny" (#4 on the Hot 100, #1 on the Mainstream Rock charts in 1982) - Perhaps one of the finest examples of power pop of all time, this song caused hell for anyone who had the 867-5309 phone number for years after its release, as they would get phone calls with people asking for Jenny.  It was an upbeat, catchy rock number with an infectious chorus featuring the titular phone number. "Eight six seven five three oh ni-ee-yine."  30+ years after its release, everyone still knows whose number that is, which is a testament to this song's staying power.  While other power pop bands like The Romantics had multiple hits on the charts during the '80s, Tommy Tutone was a one-and-done deal, with the band breaking up in 1984.

2. A-ha - "Take On Me" (#1 in 1985) - I really struggled with how to rank these final two songs because they are both GREAT songs and perfect examples of the new wave sound that permeates this list and permeated the radios of America in the 1980s.  This particular song has the famous fast keyboard lines and the sing along chorus that starts low and gets higher and higher until the end of the chorus is sung falsetto.  Even my daughter, who frequently criticizes my taste in music as tween girls are apt to do with their middle-aged fathers, thinks this song is good.  It also gave us what is, in my opinion, the best short form music video ever made.  It features rotoscoping and intertwining live action and animated scenes.  This is another song that illustrated the power of music videos and MTV in the '80s, as it's doubtful this song would be as well known as it is without the groundbreaking video.  Similar to our #4 selection above, this song was covered by a punk/ska band in the late '90s.  In this case, it was Reel Big Fish and they substituted horns for the synthesizer hook.  A-ha has had numerous hit songs in Europe over the years, but this was their only big hit in the U.S.

1. Modern English - "I Melt With You" (#7 on the Mainstream Rock charts in 1983) - Our #1 song is another timeless piece of new wave music and one of those songs that is still played frequently on '80s stations.  Interestingly, even though the song is considered one of the biggest hits of the '80s, it never even hit the Top 40, instead peaking at 78 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1983.  It was, however, a Top 10 hit on the Mainstream Rock charts.  While most new wave music in the '80s was dominated by synthesizers, this one is primarily based around electric and acoustic guitars.  It's officially about a couple making love while an atomic bomb is dropped.  However, you can also interpret the lyrics to simply be about two lovers clinging to one another while the world falls apart around them.  As a testament to the timelessness and status of the song as one of the best of the decade, it has been covered countless times, been featured in multiple movies and been used in TV commercials to sell everything from burgers to candy to cars.  Oh yeah, it was also covered by late '90s band Bowling for Soup.  Not only is this the best one-hit wonder of the '80s, it's one of the best songs from the '80s period.

There you have it - my ranking of the one-hit wonders of the 1980s.  Are there any you disagree with?  Which song would top your list?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Until next time, to quote Casey Kasem, "keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars."

Thanks for reading!

Back to School Again

For most people, the passing of the years is marked by New Year's and the dropping of the ball in Times Square.  However, when you have kids, the passing of the years is really marked by the school year.  That is especially true in the Golden household, where my wife is a teacher.  Every August marks a new school year - a new beginning filled with new classes, new adventures, new problems and new friends. 

This year, my son will be a sophomore in high school, while my daughter will be a sixth grader, her first year of middle school.  For the first time since 2008, there will not be a Golden kid at Fairway Elementary.

The recently passed 10 or 11 weeks of summer saw a lot of changes for my kids.  My son got his driving learner's permit and is learning to drive.  (This may have resulted in a few more gray hairs on my head.) He's also grown about four or five inches this summer.  His voice has deepened, he has hair on his legs and he is becoming a young man almost before my eyes.  My daughter has shed her glasses in favor of contacts.  She looks older just by having done so.  The fact that she now wears mascara may play into that as well.  She is very excited about going to middle school - having her own locker, having different teachers every hour, having better lunch options.

For the past few months, my kids' days have been filled with sleeping in, trips to the pool, riding bikes to lunch, trips to Six Flags and copious amounts of Fortnite.  Daily routines go by the wayside.  Things are relaxed and weeknight trips for frozen custard are common.  In the weeks to come, routines will change.  We will get back to earlier bed times, homework and studying, dance and tennis.  Friday nights will feature quick meals before high school football games.

The calendar may still show the same year, but in my house and in homes all across the country, a new year begins this week.  The 2018-19 school year is upon us.  Here's hoping it is a great one for my kids and my wife, as well as for all of your kids and spouses/friends who are teachers.

Thanks for reading.

More Song Lyrics I Love

A while ago, I did a post on my favorite song lyrics.  As that list was just a small portion of the voluminous number of song lyrics that I love, I thought I'd share with you another edition.  As before, these lyrics may not necessarily come from my favorite artists or my favorite songs, but it's the lyrics themselves that I love.

(Note: If you wish to read my initial list, it was posted on 2/22/17. Feel free to check it out!)

Artist: Pearl Jam
Song: "Black"
Lyric: "I know some day you'll have a beautiful life / I know you'll be a star / In somebody else's sky / But why, why, why, can't it be, can't it be mine?"
Why I Love It: I suspect that there are a lot of people my age for whom this lyric would make their respective lists.  While "Black" was never released as a single by Pearl Jam, this song nevertheless became one of their biggest hits.  Like many of the lyrics I have previously listed, this one deals with the end of a relationship.  Instead of being bitter at the end of it, Eddie Vedder (who wrote the lyrics) wishes his lover the best while still being heartbroken over the end of the relationship.  Aside from being poignant and evocative words in and of themselves, Vedder's delivery in the song are the proverbial icing on top of the cake.  You can almost feel the ache in his voice as he sings the line.  It's my favorite lyric from my favorite Pearl Jam song and that's why it makes the list.

Artist: Turnpike Troubadours
Song: "How Do You Fall Out of Love?"
Lyric: "You bet your heart on a diamond / And I played the clubs in spades / We gambled and lost / Guess we both paid the costs / Look what a mess I have made"
Why I Love It: While this is not one of my favorite Turnpike Troubadours' songs, this lyric is terrific and clever.  Evan Felker, the band's lead singer, primary songwriter and lyricist, has a way with words and knows how to turn a phrase.  This is an example of his skill - in just a few phrases, he paints a picture of a girl in love with a musician.  He deftly mentions all four suits of playing cards and uses them as a motif for a failed relationship.

Artist: Edwin McCain
Song: "Sign on the Door"
Lyric: "We all talk about timing, lifestyles and such / But to a heart that's been shattered, those words don't mean much"
Why I Love It: This song is a terrific blues number that uses the concept of a sign on a door that says "sorry, we're closed" as a metaphor for a person's heart who hasn't healed from a prior relationship and thus isn't yet ready to fall in love again.  The line above in question, however, is more universal.  We've all either had our heart broken or had a friend or relative who has.  And when you are trying to comfort them, your advice may be great, but at that point in time, they are not really in a frame of mind to listen to it.  There's nothing you can say to them at that point in time that will make them feel better.  Most of you have likely never heard this song, but I'd encourage you to check it out some time.  It's one of my favorites by Edwin.

Artist: Better Than Ezra
Song: "Rewind"
Lyric: "Right there a song became a soundtrack for this space in time"
Why I Love It: In my first list of favorite lyrics, I referenced a lyric from the Trisha Yearwood song "The Song Remembers When" and talked about how music can transport us back to a specific place in time.  This Better Than Ezra lyric talks about the same thing - how a particular song can become inextricably linked to an event or place in time.  It doesn't matter if it's been 2 years or 20 years - there is something about the song that fires some synapsis somewhere in your brain and you will always associate that song with that event.

Artist: Goo Goo Dolls
Song: "Iris"
Lyric: "And I don't want the world to see me / 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand / When everything's made to be broken / I just want you to know who I am"
Why I Love It: This one comes from the Goo Goo Dolls' biggest hit song, which was also one of the biggest hit songs of the 1990s.  Whereas all of the aforementioned lyrics occur in the verse or bridge of the song, this one is the chorus.  It resonates, though, because it's so accurate.  I think we all have times where we'd like to be invisible because we don't think anyone understands us or what we're going through.  We're all a little broken and we all want to be loved and accepted for who we are but sometimes that seems impossible and it just seems like it would be easier to slide by unnoticed.

Artist: Metallica
Song: "Holier Than Thou"
Lyric: "You lie so much you believe yourself"
Why I Love It: While most of the lyrics I love are melancholy or introspective, this last one is angry.  I've thought about this lyric a lot over the past two years and how aptly it applies to politicians in general and our president in particular.  They lie and stretch the truth with such frequency that they themselves lose track of what the truth is and what is a falsehood.  Few things in this world bother me more than a liar so I suppose it's only natural that I gravitate toward this lyric.

There it is - my second list of lyrics I love.  I hope you enjoyed it.  Thanks for reading!

 

Make America Hate Again

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." - Yoda

"It is never too late to give up our prejudices." - Henry David Thoreau

Our nation, much like the rest of the world, has a long and ignominious history of bigotry and intolerance.  From slavery to the Trail of Tears.  From "Irish need not apply" to Jim Crow.  From the KKK to race riots in the 1960s.  While the United States was nothing short of revolutionary in its system of government and the freedoms protected, that doesn't mean that our nation is without its faults.

Over the past 50 years or so, things have gotten better.  Overt racism became less acceptable (if not less common) and people learned to live, learn and work next to people of other races, ethnicities, religions, sexual orientations, etc.  However, over the past three years, the tide seems to have turned - and not in a good direction.  The primary reason?  The person who currently resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

From the earliest days of his campaign in 2015, Donald Trump made a habit of saying incendiary things and defaming other people.  From asserting that all immigrants from Mexico are rapists, criminals and drug smugglers to calling his opponents "Lyin' Ted," "Crooked Hillary," and "Rocket Man," to stating that there were "very fine people" amongst the white supremacists who marched in Charlottesville to his border security policies, his primary modus operandi has been to rile up his followers by playing on their fears and demonizing those of different backgrounds or political persuasions.  In a sense, he has made saying xenophobic things in public acceptable again and that is NOT a good thing.

(As an aside, during the Clinton impeachment trial during the late 1990s, I recall Republicans stating that Clinton's lies couldn't be tolerated or allowed because it would send the signal that lying under oath was acceptable.  However, many of those same people appear to not have any problem with Trump's antics which appear to send the signal that saying racist things is acceptable.)

Trump's behavior has unquestionably worked well for him so far.  He has appealed to the worst of human kind - our unfounded xenophobic fears - to foment disgust over things people do not like or understand.  I'm not even sure how much of what he says he actually believes but he understands that, like a dog whistle, he can draw people towards himself by playing on their fears, turning those fears into hatred and pushing his followers to act upon that hatred and vote accordingly.  While it has thus far proven to be a successful strategy, it is indisputably a negative thing for our country.  He legitimized hatred, bigotry and misogyny and, at the end of they day, no one benefits from that, regardless of your gender, race, ethnicity or religion.

Thanks for reading.

Best and Worst Sports Stadium Names

I love sports.  I also love "best and worst" lists.  Anyone who has been a regular reader of this blog can attest to both of those.  With that in mind, I wanted to do a list of the best and worst sports stadium/arena names.

Before we get started, let me say that I hate the trend of corporate sponsorships of stadium and arena names.  Some work better than others (those corporate names that are also a person's last name - Busch, Miller, Coors, Wrigley - aren't too bad), but in general, corporates names on stadiums suck.  Aside from generally sounding stupid, they often result in sports facilities frequently changing names as corporations merge, get acquired or go out of business.  For instance, the current arena in St. Louis is now on it's 4th name since 1994 while the arenas in Tampa, Philadelphia and Nashville are all on their 4th name since 1996.  Even worse, the football stadium in Nashville is on it's 4th name since 1999!  Aside from that, I don't understand why corporations spend tens or millions of dollars on having a sports facility named after them.  I mean, Scottrade and Edward Jones both had their names on sports facilities in St. Louis for years and I didn't move any of my investments to either of those companies and I'm sure no one else did, either.

For this post, we're focusing only on "big league" professional sports stadiums and arenas.  We're not including any college or minor league facilities.  Here we go...

Best Stadium Names (in no particular order):

Candlestick Park (1960-2014), San Francisco, CA - The stadium was named after its location on Candlestick Point on the western shore of San Francisco Bay, which was itself named for the candlestick birds that used to frequent the area.  I had the experience of attending a Giants game there in 1987.  While the setting for the stadium was beautiful, the stadium was not.  In spite of the fact that we were attending a game during the middle of the summer, we had to wear coats to the game and still froze thanks to the cool wind that the area is known for.  The game we were at featured a hot dog wrapper that blew around the stadium for several innings.  For the last decade or so of its existence, it unfortunately swapped it's great name for dumb corporate names like "3Com Park at Candlestick Point" and "Monster Park."

Riverfront Stadium (1970-2002), Cincinnati, OH - The stadium, which was located on the banks of the Ohio River in downtown Cincinnati, was appropriately named for its location.  The stadium itself was one of the multitude of multipurpose cookie cutter concrete bowls that sprouted up all over the country in the 1960s and 1970s, so it was pretty nondescript.  But I always loved the name.  Unfortunately, toward the end of its run, it succumbed to the corporate name craze, being changed to "Cinergy Field" from 1996-2002 after Cincinnati-based energy company Cinergy.

Three Rivers Stadium (1970-2000), Pittsburgh, PA - Like the preceding stadium, the actual facility was another faceless cookie cutter stadium.  But also like the first two stadiums, it had a unique name inspired by the physical location of the stadium.  In this case, the stadium was situated in Pittsburgh at the confluence of the Allegheny and Monongahela Rivers where they form the Ohio River. Unlike the first two stadiums on the list, this one never had a corporate name and stuck with its wonderful moniker throughout its 30 year existence.

Mile High Stadium (1948-2000), Denver, CO - Unlike the first three stadiums on our list, this one is nowhere near a body of water.  Rather it is named after its location in Denver, which is nicknamed the Mile High City.  The name was so good that they tried to maintain a part of it in the stadium that replaced it, in spite of stupid corporate names (Invesco Field at Mile High and then Sports Authority Field at Mile High).

Checkerdome (1977-1983), St. Louis, MO - Perhaps I'm biased, but this is one of the few times when a corporate name tie-in was kind of cooler than the original name.  The St. Louis Arena was the premier indoor sports facility in St. Louis from 1929 until the mid 1990s.  For all but 6 years of its existence, the venerable old barn (literally - it was built as the permanent home of the National Dairy Show) was called the St. Louis Arena.  But from 1977-1983, the arena and the Blues were owned by Ralston-Purina and it was renamed the "Checkerdome" as an homage to Purina's well known checkerboard logo.  Once Purina decided to sell the building and the team, it reverted back St. Louis Arena.

SkyDome (1989 - present), Toronto, Ontario - When this stadium opened in 1989, it was groundbreaking.  It was a retractable roof dome that featured a Hard Rock Cafe and a hotel.  It was the most cutting edge facility, so the name SkyDome was fitting.  Unfortunately, in 2005, the naming rights were sold to Rogers Communications and the name was changed from SkyDome to the decidedly less cool Rogers Centre (see worst names section below).

Saddledome (1983 - present), Calgary, Alberta - This arena got its name based upon it's unique saddle shape, which was, in turn, influenced by its location on the Calgary Stampede grounds.  It was built in the early 1980s as a new home for the Calgary Flames and to host the hockey and ice skating
events in the 1988 Winter Olympics.  While it has had some lame corporate sponsorships over the years (Canadian Airlines, Pengrowth and Scotiabank), the have always kept "Saddledome" as part of the name.  There is talk of replacing this arena sometime in the near future, but until then we can only hope that that the current building maintains its cool name.

Northlands Coliseum (1974 - 2018), Edmonton, Alberta - Sticking with the Canadian province of Alberta, we move a few hours further north to Edmonton, which is the city furthest north to have one of the "big 4" pro sports teams.  This, of course, means that the name Northlands Coliseum fits perfectly, though it's actually named after the Northlands entertainment complex of which it is a part.  The arena had several lame corporate names over its existence (Skyreach Centre and Rexall Place among them), but it reverted back to this unique name back in 2016.  Unfortunately, the Oilers have moved to a new arena with the terribly common name of Rogers Place (see worst names section below.)

Astrodome (1965 - present), Houston, TX - Known as the so called "Eighth Wonder of the World" when it opened, the Astrodome was the world's first domed stadium.  It was a modern, cutting-edge facility that was given the oh so appropriate name of the "Astrodome", which was also a nod to Houston's importance to NASA and America's space industry.  The first dome also led to the first artificial grass playing surface which was, of course, named AstroTurf.

Madison Square Garden (1964 - present), New York, NY - It's the most famous arena in the world and it's actually the fourth arena to bear this name.  The first two (built in 1879 and 1890) were located in Madison Square in Manhattan.  The third (built in 1925) was located further uptown, while the current facility is situated above Pennsylvania Station in Midtown Manhattan.  The "garden" name later inspired the name of the Boston Garden.  The building has never had a corporate name; rather, the MSG become the name of a corporation and a broadcasting network.

Polo Grounds (1890 - 1963), New York, NY - Staying in The Big Apple, this venerable stadium was site of Bobby Thomson's "Shot Heard 'Round the World" in 1951 as well as Willie Mays's incredible over the shoulder catch in the 1954 World Series.  The stadium was built on the site of a former polo field which gave it its unique name and was known for its distinctive bathtub shape with short distances down the lines (279 to left and 258 to right) but extremely deep distances to CF (483 feet).  It served as the home of the New York Giants (both baseball and football), the New York Yankees and the New York Mets before being demolished in the mid 1960s.

Oriole Park at Camden Yards (1992 - present), Baltimore, MD - The landmark retro ballpark that marked the end of the multipurpose cookie cutter stadium era and ushered in the era of retro ballparks. It has a simple name that reflects both the name of the team that plays there as well as its location at site of the old Camden Station rail yards.  Thankfully, unlike most of the new "retro" stadiums that followed in its wake, this gem has kept its non-corporate name throughout its existence.


Worst Stadium Names (in no particular order):

PSINet Stadium (1998 - present), Baltimore, MD - Just a short distance from Oriole Park at Camden Yards is the football stadium in Baltimore.  Initially, it was called Ravens Stadium at Camden Yards, keeping with the same naming convention used with the baseball stadium.  Unfortunately, they then went the corporate route and changed it to PSINet Stadium after PSINet, one of the first Internet Service Providers.  Within 2 years, the company went bankrupt, so I suppose the idea that this naming right would help the profile of the company didn't work out so well.  Unfortunately, the stadium wound up with another lame corporate name - M&T Bank Stadium. The Ravens team name is awesome - seeing as how it is a tribute to Edgar Allen Poe and his poem "The Raven" - but the stadium name stinks.

Anything with AT&T in the Name - There's AT&T Stadium in Arlington, TX.  There's AT&T Center in San Antonio, TX.  There's AT&T Park in San Francisco, CA.  Three different facilities - one for football, one for basketball and one for baseball - all with, essentially, the same name.  Any way you slice it, it's dumb.  And has anyone actually switched to AT&T from another provider because of it?  I think not.

Anything with Rogers in the Name - This is the Canadian equivalent of the AT&T thing.  There's Rogers Centre in Toronto. There's Rogers Place in Edmonton.  There's Rogers Arena in Vancouver.  Three different facilities all with, essentially the same name.  Boring and dumb.

Sleep Train Arena (1988-2016), Sacramento, CA - As I stated earlier, corporate names suck.  Some are just worse than others.  This is one of the worst.  Do I really need to elaborate?  By the way, do you want to know what this arena was called before this? The Power Balance Pavilion. Yuck.  They should have gone with "Capitaldome" or something playing up Sacramento's role as the capital of the country's most populous state.

Vivint Smart Home Arena (1991 - present), Salt Lake City, UT - This is another arena that has had a corporate name throughout its history, though the names just keep getting worse.  First, it was Delta Center, which isn't terrible.  Then it was EnergySolutions Arena after a nuclear waste company.  Since 2015, it has borne its current ridiculous name due to a naming rights deal with a home security company.

Guaranteed Rate Field (1991 - present), Chicago, IL - Originally known as New Comiskey Park or Comiskey Park II, it was known as US Cellular Field for 13 years before switching to this horrendous name in late 2016.  Named after a Chicago-based mortgage company that probably none of you have heard of, this has to rank as one of the worst stadium names.  In a city as diverse and exciting as Chicago, it's a shame that this is, apparently, the best that the White Sox could do. 

St. Pete Times Forum (1996 - present), Tampa, FL - This name is bad for several reasons.  First of all, it was named after a newspaper.  At a time when newspapers are struggling to survive, who thought it was a good idea to spend millions on a naming rights deal?  Even worse, it's named after the paper in St. Petersburg when the arena is in Tampa!  To be fair, they did change the name to Tampa Bay Times Forum (which is at least more accurate) in 2012 before changing it to Amalie Arena (after an oil company) in 2014.

KFC Yum! Center (2010 - present), Louisville, KY - A beautiful arena in a terrific location (right on the Ohio River in downtown Louisville) with a stupid, stupid name.  The KFC abbreviation would be bad enough, but adding the Yum and the "!" to it just makes it even worse.  Something like "Riverfront Coliseum" would have been great.  Or how about the "Kentucky Bourbon Barn?"

Smoothie King Center (1999 - present), New Orleans, LA - Of all of the dumb corporate names of sports facilities, this one takes the cake.  Do I even need to explain any further?  New Orleans is a festive place characterized by all manner of debauchery and lasciviousness, so having an arena named after a healthy, wholesome beverage purveyor just doesn't seem right.  How about "Laissez  Les Bon Temps Rouler Center?"

Just Because

• Just because you disagree with something...that doesn't mean that it should be illegal.
• Just because you disagree with a person's religion or beliefs or lifestyle...that doesn't mean you shouldn't still treat that person with respect and kindness. A little kindness can go a long way.
• Just because you are having a bad day...that doesn't give you permission to ruin someone else's.
• Just because something is right for you...that doesn't mean that it is right for someone else.
• Just because you may not like what someone says about you...that doesn't mean it isn't true.
• Just because you may not like what someone reports about you or about an issue...that doesn't make it false or "fake news".
• Just because a talking head said it on TV or the radio...that doesn't make it true. Think for yourself!
• Just because someone supports Democrats...that doesn't make them a Socialist or a Communist.  They may just support a different role of government than you do.
• Just because someone supports Republicans...that doesn't make them a racist who hates poor people or minorities and just loves money.  They may just support a different role of government and personal responsibility than you do.
• Just because someone has a college education and a good job that pays well...that doesn't mean that they were born with a silver spoon in their mouth.  You have no idea what they did in order to get through college and get to where they are in their career.
• Just because someone doesn't have a college degree...that doesn't mean they are lazy or stupid.  We all have different talents and skills and a college degree may not be the right path for everyone.
• Just because a movie or a song is popular or makes a lot of money...that doesn't necessarily mean it's good.
• Just because a movie or song or band isn't popular or makes a lot of money...that doesn't mean it's bad.  Some of the best movies I've seen and best music I've heard is completely unfamiliar to most people.
• Just because a person is from one of the coasts...that doesn't mean that they are a snooty, godless, elite.
• Just because a person is from "flyover country" or the South...that doesn't mean that they are an ignorant yokel who "clings to their God and their guns."
• Just because someone is vulnerable...that doesn't mean that you should take advantage of them.
• Just because someone appears to be happy...that doesn't mean that they aren't battling depression.
• Just because you failed before...that doesn't mean you should stop trying.
• Just because something happened before...that doesn't mean it will happen again.
• Just because you can...that doesn't mean that you should.

Parental Worries

A big part of being a parent is worrying.  From the moment you find out that you're pregnant (and by you're I'm referring jointly to both mom and dad) until, presumably, you die, you worry about your kids.  It's just that over time, what you worry about changes.  I was reminded of this again last week when my son got his learner's permit and this past weekend, when I took him for his first driving lesson.

When you're pregnant, you worry about having a healthy baby.  That you won't have a miscarriage.  That your baby will have ten fingers and toes, etc.  Pregnant women spend large amounts of money on prenatal vitamins and healthy eating and forego some of the other things they enjoy (caffeine, alcohol, etc.) to, in part, ensure that they have a healthy baby.  Once the baby is here and he or she is healthy and they do, in fact, have the requisite number of fingers and toes, you worry about them hitting all of the milestones they are supposed to hit as infants and then toddlers.  Reaching for things.  Rolling over on their own.  Pulling themselves up.  Walking. Crawling.  All of those things that show up in books like "What to Expect During the First Year."

Once you get past those hurdles, you start to be more concerned with their cognitive abilities and social skills.  Are they learning their colors and letter and numbers?  Are they able to get along with other kids and make friends?  Will they be ready for kindergarten when they are 5?  Parents worry about all of these things often.  Meanwhile, their little ones are oblivious to mom and dad's concerns and are instead focused on playing and exploring.

As their kids move on through elementary school and into middle school and high school, parents start to worry about their kids making friends with "good kids" and not fall in with the "wrong crowd."  Parents worry about their kids getting into booze or drugs.  As kids sometimes get sullen in their teenage years and less willing to communicate with their parents, parents thus worry about what is going on in their kids' heads.  Are they happy? Struggling with depression?

As things move on in their high school years, kids (and their friends) start driving and parents start worrying about car accidents and just hoping that their kids make it back home alive every night.  And they worry about their kids graduating from high school and then moving on to college or the military or a trade school.  Often, those options involve the kid being far from home.  For those first 18 years, parents worry about their kids even when they are all under the same roof.  So how much worse is it when the kid goes away to college or joins the military?  Out of sight certainly doesn't mean out of mind.

Even as the kids move on into adulthood, parents still worry about their kids.  Will they graduate from college?  Will they be able to get and keep a job?  Will they find that special someone and start a family of their own?

So, from conception until death (or dementia), parents worry about their kids.  What they worry about changes over time, but the worry is always there.

Having said that, you may wonder why anyone would even WANT to be a parent?  Why put yourself through all of those worries if you don't have to?  Because with those worries come so much joy and so many rewards.  Few things are better than seeing your kids happy and successful.  When they get an A on that test they've studied so hard for.  When they get that big hit to win the game. When they get asked to that dance at school.  When they make good decisions on their own and display the morals and beliefs you have worked so hard to instill in them. When they put on that cap and gown and walk across that stage or when they walk down that aisle.  Invariably, every parent sees some of themselves in their child and when they see that child happy or successful, it makes them feel happy and successful.  And, believe it or not, those moments make all those years of worry worth it.

Thanks for reading.