Brutally Honest Job Descriptions

Longtime readers of this blog know that I work in Human Resources.  If you haven't already, I recommend you read my previous "HR Follies" blog posts if you're looking for a good laugh.  The world of Human Resources encompasses many facets, from recruiting and talent acquisition to compensation to benefits to employee relations.  Something else that typically falls in HR?  Job descriptions.  Job descriptions are one of those necessary evils: something that is important but that no one really wants to do; a task that is generally dreaded.  In my life as an HR professional, I have written or co-written literally dozens of job descriptions.  This got me thinking about what it would be like to write job descriptions for some public jobs that may have never had a job description written for them before.

Job Title: NHL Goaltender
Salary:  $650,000 (minimum) to several million (maximum)
Work Location: Arenas and rinks across North America
Job Summary: Your opponent will fire a hard, frozen, rubber rock at a goal, sometimes in excess of 100 miles per hour.  Your job is to jump in front of those frozen rocks and allow them to hit you repeatedly. While wearing 20 pounds worth of equipment. On ice.  When you mess up or make a mistake on your job, loud horns or sirens will go off, red lights come on and people chant your name in a derogatory manner. Sane people need not apply.

Job Title: Custodian
Salary: Minimum wage or maybe a little above
Work Location: Buildings all over
Job Summary: Cleaning walls, floors, desks and bathrooms.  Empty wastebaskets and take out trash. Clean sinks and toilets.  Have the misfortune to clean up all of the disgusting things left behind by your fellow human beings, including spoiled food, urine, feces and other bodily fluids.  Must be comfortable dealing with nasty smells on a daily basis, while receiving meager pay and benefits.

Job Title: Center (football)
Salary: $465,000 (minimum) to several million (maximum)
Work Location: Stadiums across the United States
Job Summary: Bend over a football while another man puts his hands between your legs while yelling at you.  When that man yells the magic word, you shove the football back between your legs and give it to him and then to try to keep a bunch of enormous, angry men from grabbing and throwing him to the ground.

Job Title: United States Representative
Salary: $174,000
Work Location: Washington, DC
Job Summary: Enjoy lots of perks, such as copious amounts of time off, free meals, tickets and flights, while spouting lots of nonsense and doing very little actual work.  At least half of the country will despise you and you have to reapply for your job every two years, but the likelihood of you getting re-hired is roughly 90%.

Job Title: United States Senator
Salary: $174,000
Work Location: Washington, DC
Job Summary: See United States Representative job summary, but change "two years" to "six years".

Job Title: Teacher
Salary: More than some people think but less than it should be
Work Location: Elementary schools, middle schools and high schools all over the country
Job Summary: Impart knowledge to children, some of whom will eagerly participate and others of whom could not care less.  Benefits include summers off, excellent benefits including a terrific retirement plan, and the reward of knowing that you are making a difference in the lives of children.  Must be able to do your job while dealing with large amounts of germs, helicopter parents and absentee parents, as well as bureaucrats and politicians who have never set foot in a classroom as an adult and have no clue what they are taking about.