Every once in a while, there is a song that becomes popular for inexplicable reasons. Sometimes, these songs are so-called "one hit wonders" who come out of nowhere with one hit song, never to be heard from again. Other times, they are really bad songs from established artists that inexplicably become big hits. Either way, they are the songs that, when you hear them on the radio 10 or 20 years later, you ask yourself "This song is awful. How was it ever popular?"
Here is my list of what I consider to be the worst hit songs of all time.
Artist: Biz Markie
Song: "Just a Friend"
Peak Chart Position: #9 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1990
Why It Makes the List: I'm convinced that this song was popular only because it's sooo bad. The lyrics don't really rhyme. Biz Markie, who appears to have some sort of speech impediment, can't sing at all, nor can he rap very effectively. His off-key crooning of "You. You got what I neeeeed..." is hilarious and cringe-worthy at the same time. (Admit it.....you just sang that line as loudly and awkwardly as possible, didn't you?) You should have seen my daughter's face the first time she heard this song.....the look on it basically said "What in the world is THIS?" Given how awful this song is, it's no surprise that this was Biz Markie's only hit song.
Artist: The Flaming Lips
Song: "She Don't Use Jelly"
Peak Chart Position: #9 on the Billboard Hot Modern Rock Tracks in 1993
Why It Makes the List: This is another song that is likely only popular because it's so bad. In addition to the lead singer not being able to hold a tune, the lyrics are absurd. A girl who puts Vaseline on her toast instead of jelly? A guy who uses magazines to blow his nose, as opposed to using the more typical tissue or handkerchief? A girl who dies her hair orange by using tangerines? It's all pretty weird, though I will give them credit for rhyming "Vaseline," "magazines," and "tangerines" over the three different versions of the chorus. Every genre in every decade has some sort of weird song that is popular for unknown reasons and this is one of those songs from the world of 1990s alternative music.
Artist: R.E.M.
Song: "Shiny Happy People"
Peak Chart Position: #10 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1991
Why It Makes the List: While our first two choices are "one hit wonders," this choice is decidedly not. R.E.M. had a three decades long career as alternative rock icons that was filled with many memorable hit songs. While I was never much of an R.E.M. fan, unlike my best friend in college, they have several songs that I like. This is, without question, not one of them. It's annoyingly catchy and sickeningly sweet, but it also seems like the product of a bad acid trip. It's lightweight fluff from a band that typically drifted toward serious and heartfelt. "Shiny Happy People" is to R.E.M. what "Yellow Submarine" is to The Beatles - a glorified children's song. In fact, even the band will tell you that it's a bad song, to the point where they didn't even include it on their 2003 greatest hits album, even though it was (for better or worse) one of their biggest hits.
Artist: Starship
Song: "We Built This City"
Peak Chart Position: #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1985
Why It Makes the List: This is another song that is so bad that one of the people who sang on it, co-lead vocalist and '60s rock goddess Grace Slick, even referred to it as "the worst song ever." It's bad, bland '80s corporate pop-rock at it's worst and the antithesis of Starship's counter culture lineage as Jefferson Airplane. The ironic part is that the lyrics rip on the corporate nature of music, while itself being an overproduced, corporate song. Wouldn't you think a song that bragged about building a city on rock 'n roll would actually, you know, rock? Instead, this song is synthesizer-dominated corporate pop fluff. The song is so bad that GQ once referred to it in a 2016 article as "the most detested song of all time." What makes things even worse was that it took four - that's right, FOUR - songwriters to write it, including the legendary Bernie Taupin, the long time lyricist most famous for working with Elton John. But worst of all? This ridiculous song was actually nominated for a friggin' Grammy in 1986. Thankfully, it didn't win.
Artist: Tim McGraw
Song: "Indian Outlaw"
Peak Chart Position: #8 on the Billboard Hot Country Charts & #15 on Billboard Hot 100 in 1994
Why It Makes the List: This was one of Tim McGraw's first singles and I hated this song so much that I couldn't bring myself to listen to any of his other songs for two or three years after this song came out. It's stupid, ridiculous and borderline offensive. In just 3 minutes, it mentions every potential Native American cliché imaginable including: Cherokee, Choctaw, Chippewa, wig-wam, tom-tom, peace pipe, teepee, headband and medicine man. To show how ridiculously bad the song's lyrics are, I offer you a sample: "They all gather 'round my teepee/Late at night tryin' to catch a peek at me/In nothin' but my buffalo briefs/I got 'em standin' in line." Yes, it's actually cracking a joke about Native American undergarments. It's so bad that a reviewer in Billboard said that if the song became popular, it would "set relations back 200 years." To make matters worse, McGraw's vocals are overly twangy and whiny - it's like the proverbial nails on the chalkboard. Over the years, Tim McGraw has recorded some really good songs, but this one isn't one of them.
Artist: Crash Test Dummies
Song: "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"
Peak Chart Position: #1 on the Billboard Hot Modern Rock Tracks & #4 on Billboard Hot 100 in 1994
Why It Makes the List: There are some hit songs that are played on the radio for years after they were popular. There are other hit songs that quietly fade into oblivion and you rarely, if ever, hear them on the radio again. This song falls into that second category. You could listen to Lithium and the '90s on 9 for a week and never hear this song. Why? Because it's terrible. Start with the chorus, which is just a guy humming "mmm mmm mmm mmm" a bunch of times. That's right - the chorus of this hit song contains no words. Even worse, the bridge of the song is just some people going "ahhh" - the only missing is the doctor with the tongue depresser. Finally, there are the vocals. Do you remember when you had records or cassette players and you could speed up the song so the vocals sounded like The Chipmunks or slow it down so that the vocals were reaalllly sllllooowwww and looowww? Well, the vocals on this song sound like the latter....only on purpose. That can't be how that guy really sounds, can it? Our friendly neighbors to the North have given us lots of wonderful gifts over the years - Donald Sutherland, Tim Horton's and ice hockey among them - but this song is definitely not on that list.
Artist: Meat Loaf
Song: "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"
Peak Chart Position: #1 in an astounding 28 countries world wide in 1993, include the U.S.
Why It Makes the List: This song is the biggest of the hit songs on this list - it also won a Grammy - but that still doesn't mean that it's any good. For starters, the original album version of the song goes on for 12 minutes, which is just ridiculous. Beyond that, this is Meat Loaf at his Meat Loafiest - campy, overly dramatic and pretentious. His over the top performance would be somewhat impressive if the song wasn't so stupid. The fact that the damn song runs on for a dozen minutes and many people still don't have a clue as to what he WON'T do for love illustrates my point. 1993 gave us some really good rock songs and albums ("No Rain" by Blind Melon, "Plush" by Stone Temple Pilots, "In Utero" by Nirvana and "Vs." by Pearl Jam), but it also gave us this steaming pile of self-important, rock opera crap.
Artist: Los del Rio
Song: "Macarena (Bayside Boys Remix)"
Peak Chart Position: #1 on the Billboard Hot Singles Chart for 14 weeks
Why It Makes the List: Of all of the songs on this list, this is the one I hate the most. In fact, I have a visceral reaction whenever I hear it - I almost go into seizures, like that guy in the '90s who had seizures whenever he heard Mary Hart's voice on "Entertainment Tonight." I hate this song so much, that I had it on the "Absolutely Do Not Play This Song Under Any Circumstances" list at my wedding reception. I forbid the DJ from playing it, regardless of whether or not it was requested. I still remember the first time I heard this song. It was in the Spring of 1996. A high school friend played softball for Mizzou and they were playing a double header at Texas A&M on a weekend, so one of my roommates and I made the trip from Waco down to College Station to watch her play. I got to see her play for the first time, which was cool. Unfortunately, I was also introduced to this terrible, terrible song. Some joker in the Aggie press box decided to play this song. Over and over again. Every half inning. For two entire games. And a couple of rather large and unattractive Aggie fans got up and did the stupid dance. Over and over again. Every half inning. For two entire games. I'd never heard the song prior to that day and I never wanted to hear it again after that day. It's the worst in music - rapid fire foreign language lyrics that few Americans understand coupled with a stupid line dance that even those uncoordinated white Americans can dance to. If I were a prisoner, I'd rather be in solitary confinement for a month than be forced to listen to this song over and over again. The fact that this song was a huge international hit that reached the #1 spot on music charts in more than a dozen countries shows just how dumb we humans can sometimes be.
I'm sure there are other terrible songs that I could think of to add to this list and perhaps I'll do a "volume 2" post in the future. I'd love to hear what songs would make your list of "The Worst Hit Songs of All Time" - perhaps you can help me create that future blog post.
For now, though, I'm going to put some headphones on and listen to some good songs, to try to get these awful tunes out of my head - the audio equivalent of a long, hot shower.
Thanks for reading!
No comments:
Post a Comment