Fixing College Football - Playoffs and Realignment

College football is a lot of fun.  Aside from the ridiculous notion that the main attraction (the players) aren't allowed to make any money at all while everyone else connected makes millions, few things match the passion and pageantry of college football.  Putting aside the "we should pay players" arguments, I'd like to tackle two ways that we can make this great sport even better: fixing the College Football Playoff and realigning the conferences to make more sense from a geographic and traditional rivalry perspective.

College Football Playoff
If there's one thing in college football that screams to be improved, it's the College Football Playoff, the manner in which the Division I Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) selects the national champion.  In every other level of NCAA competition (Division I FCS, Division II and Division III), there is a legitimate playoff system that features 16 teams in a tournament to determine the national champion.  Why should the highest level of competition be any different?  A handful of years ago, they moved to the current 4-team playoff format.  While this was arguably an improvement over the old BCS days, it's still not good enough.  The current format guarantees that at least 1 Power 5 conference champion doesn't even get the chance to play for the national championship.  Also, limiting the field to only four teams guarantees that at least a few very worthy teams (often teams with only 1 loss) get left out of the mix.

Here's my idea to fix this problem:
1.) Expand the field to 8 teams: each Power 5 conference champion + 1 Group of 5 conference champion + 2 at-large bids. Conference championships should mean something.
2.) Eliminate the 12th regular season game from the schedule.  All teams play 11 regular season games: 8 conference games and 3 non-conference games.  Eliminate games against FCS teams. Only allow teams 1 bye week. Bowl eligibility remains 6 wins, though I'd much prefer eliminating some of the bowl games and making the cutoff 7 wins.
3.) Force Notre Dame to join a conference (see below).

Here's how it would work:
1.) Regular season begins the last weekend in August and runs through the 3rd weekend in November.
2.) Conference championship games would be played during the last weekend in November.
3.) First round CFP games are played the first weekend in December at on-campus sites.  #1 seed hosts #8 seed, #2 seed hosts #7 seed and so on.
4.) 2nd round/national semifinals are played around New Year's via the existing bowl game structure as is currently the case. The two winners of those games then meet in the national championships game as is currently the case.

This plan removes the inequity of some teams playing 9 conference games while others only play 8.  It also removes teams padding their schedules with wins against FCS teams.  It provides more teams an opportunity to play for the national championship and provides more potential for upsets.  Holding the first round games on-campus makes it easier to sell tickets, in that it removes the need for fans of the higher seeded team to travel 3 times to watch all of the playoff games.  Finally, this structure still allows time off for finals. 

There is ZERO reason why this system wouldn't work and it's unquestionably less controversial than the current system.  By eliminating one regular season game, the additional round of playoffs isn't adding any additional wear and tear on the teams that advance.  Instead of an "eye test" determining all 4 teams in the playoffs, 6 teams would be determined by virtue of winning their conferences, so only 2 teams are subject to the whims of the selection committee.  The committee would maintain the ability to rank/seed the eight playoff participants.

Conference Realignment
Over the years, conferences have realigned several times which has resulted in anomalies like a Big 12 with 10 teams, a Big 10 with 14 teams and a team in Missouri (with is neither southern nor eastern) playing in the Southeast Conference.  Along the way, in search for more revenue dollars, schools have crapped on historic, hundred year old rivalries that have robbed us of tremendous grudge matches like Texas-Texas A&M and Missouri-Kansas.  It's also resulted in teams like West Virginia travelling thousands of miles for conference games.  That shouldn't happen. We're going to fix it with a realignment plan that puts in-state and regional rivals in the same conferences and minimizes the travel needed for conference games.

Here are the changes we would make:
1.) Miami and Florida State move from the ACC to the SEC
2.) Georgia Tech and South Carolina swap conferences, with Georgia Tech joining the SEC (where it was a founding member and belonged for 32 years) and South Carolina joining the ACC (where it was a founding member and belonged for 18 years)
3.) Missouri, Texas A&M and Nebraska all move back to the Big 12
4.) Maryland moves back to the ACC (where it was a founding member and belonged for 61 years), as does West Virginia
5.) Notre Dame moves to the Big 10
6.) Rutgers gets removed from the Power 5 and goes back to the American or some other conference
7.) The Pac-12 adds BYU and Boise State and becomes the Pac-14

With those changes made, here are what the conferences would look like, with the new members of each conference in bold, and with a rationale for why each of the aforementioned moves makes sense.

SEC (14 teams)
Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Florida State, Georgia, Georgia Tech, Kentucky, LSU, Miami, Mississippi, Mississippi State, Tennessee, Vanderbilt

Rationale: You now have all three main Florida universities in the same conference and both main universities from Georgia in the same conference.  It truly is a conference contained within the southeastern quadrant of the country. 

Big 12 (12 teams)
Baylor, Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, TCU

Rationale: You restore the Texas-Texas A&M and Missouri-Kansas rivalries. You have Nebraska back in the same conference as Oklahoma. It makes sense geographically and from a historic point of view. Also, you have 12 teams in the Big 12.  It reduces travel for Missouri, Nebraska and Texas A&M.

Big 10 (12 teams)
Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Northwestern, Notre Dame, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin

Rationale: You lose Maryland, Nebraska and Rutgers but you pick up Notre Dame.  Maryland and Rutgers have always like weird add-ons and the addition of Notre Dame more than offsets the loss of Nebraska, especially from a football and men's basketball standpoint. It condenses the conference's geographic footprint (and lessens travel schedule) and puts all three main schools from Indiana in the same conference.  Notre Dame makes all the sense in the world from a geographic and academic standpoint that it's ridiculous that it has never happened before now.  Rutgers has been a disaster of an addition to the conference from a competitive standpoint and this resolves that issue as well.

ACC (14 teams)
Boston College, Clemson, Duke, Louisville, Maryland, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Pittsburgh, South Carolina, Syracuse, Virginia, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest, West Virginia

Rationale: You put the two main universities in South Carolina in the same conference.  You restore the "Backyard Brawl" between West Virginia and Pittsburgh and, with Louisville, Virginia and Virginia Tech nearby, you finally have West Virginia in a conference that makes geographic sense.  While you still have a conference spanning from Massachusetts to South Carolina, you remove Georgia and Florida from the geographic mix, thus reducing travel to an extent.  Considering that Florida State and Miami have only been in the ACC since the 1990s and 2000s, respectively, you're not losing decades-long rivalries or members.

Pac 14 (14 teams)
Arizona, Arizona State, Boise State, BYU, California, Colorado, Oregon, Oregon State, Stanford, UCLA, USC, Utah, Washington, Washington State

Rationale: You make the "Holy War" between Utah and BYU a conference game and add another top notch football program in Boise State. Adding a team in Idaho and another team in Utah helps Colorado from a travel perspective, giving them a couple of other games in the Mountain Time Zone.

Making these in-state rivalry games all conference games frees up teams to schedule other top flight non-conference games.  I realize that Iowa and Iowa State are still in different conferences, as are Colorado and Colorado State.  If you really wanted to remedy THAT, you could slide Iowa State to the Big 10 and leave Rutgers in, keeping the Big 10 at its current 14 teams and instead move Arkansas to the Big 12, restoring traditional rivalries with Texas and Texas A&M.  The question then is who becomes the 14th team in the SEC.  Thinking about that made my head hurt, so I left it as proposed above.  As for Colorado, you could swap out Colorado State for Boise State in the Pac-14 if you wanted, though I think Boise State would be a more attractive option.

There you have my grand plan to improve college football by fixing the current broken playoff system and restoring traditional rivalries.  What are your thoughts?  Which changes to you agree with?  Which other changes do you think more sense?  I'd love to hear your ideas and thoughts.

As always, thanks for reading!  Oh....yeah....SIC 'EM BEARS!

A Smorgasbord of Sad Songs

As our regular readers know, I love music and I love lists.  Once again, those two loves converge as I share my list of "Best Sad Songs".  This topic should surprise no one given my previous admissions that I have a soft spot for sad or poignant lyrics.  As I developed this list, it become virtually impossible to rank them in order - especially since this list crosses multiple decades and genres - so I will just be listing them in alphabetical order.  Some of these songs are probably obvious choices, but I think some of them may be little obscure or unexpected.  Regardless, I hope you enjoy going through the list and, perhaps, you can be exposed to some songs you weren't familiar with and that will be added to your playlists.

So, let's crack open a cold one and all get depressed together...

Song: "A Home"
Songwriter(s): Maia Sharp, Randy Sharp
Artist(s): Dixie Chicks
Sample Lyric(s): "And I listened to my pride/When my heart cried out for you/Now everyday I wake again/In a house that might have been a home" and "They say home is where the heart is/If the exception proves the rule I guess that's true"
Comments: This tear jerker comes from the Chicks' criminally underappreciated third album Home, of which it is essentially the title track.  It was never released as a single, though it might have been if it hadn't been for the ridiculous backlash against the band after comments made overseas about President Bush.  Like the rest of the album, it features only acoustic instruments (with prominent dobro and mandolin) and beautiful, aching three part vocal harmonies.  The lyrics talk of regret for walking away from a relationship and regretting that the singer now lives in a lonely house that could have been so much more - a home.

Song: "A Long December"
Songwriter(s): David Bryson, Adam Duritz, Charlie Gillingham, Matt Malley, Ben Mize, Dan Vickrey
Artist(s): Counting Crows
Sample Lyric(s): "Maybe this year will be better than the last" and "The feeling that it's all a lot oysters, but no pearls"
Comments: A pensive, wistful song, this was the band's last top 10 hit and it is my favorite song by them.  It meshes downcast lyrics with a hint of hopefulness and a singalong "na na na na na" refrain. Even though the song prominently mentions California, it also captures the bleakness of winter.

Song: "Angel"
Songwriter(s): Sarah McLachlan
Artist(s): Sarah McLachlan
Sample Lyric(s): "There's always some reason to feel not good enough" and "Fly away from here/From this dark, cold hotel room/And the endlessness that you fear"
Comments: Because McLachlan is so adept at crafting sad songs, it was difficult to narrow it down to one or two choices.  However, I've always found "Angel" to be a deeply affecting song.  It's arrangement is very sparse - it's just McLachlan's gorgeous vocal backed by a piano - and that makes the lyrics about loneliness and a desire to escape that much more poignant.  McLachlan claims that the song was inspired after reading stories about musicians turning to heroin as a way of coping with the pressures of the music industry.  McLachlan's angelic voice (I hope some of the angels in Heaven sound like her) softly soars while the subject of the lyrics slowly slips downward and the contradiction makes the whole song that much more haunting.

Song: "The Bird Hunters"
Songwriter(s): Evan Felker
Artist(s): Turnpike Troubadours
Sample Lyric(s): "My hands around a Belgian made Browning/My mind on the lines of her face" and "The old dog had pointed while part of me died"
Comments: For the past six or seven years, I've been obsessed with Turnpike Troubadours.  Songs like this one are part of the reason why. Instead of writing a paint-by-the-numbers heartbreak song, Felker uses a hunting trip with a childhood friend and his dog as the backdrop for the narrator coming to terms with the end of a relationship. The song is a waltz that's propelled forward by typically terrific fiddle work by Kyle Nix. Felker has a knack for creating characters that feel three dimensional and lived-in and "The Bird Hunters" is an example of that.

Song: "Black"
Songwriter(s): Eddie Vedder, Stone Gossard
Artist(s): Pearl Jam
Sample Lyric(s): "I know you'll have a beautiful life/I know you'll be a star/In somebody else's sky/But why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?"
Comments: This is my favorite Pearl Jam song (as has been previously disclosed) but it also a very sad song.  It's about the end of a relationship and, rather than being bitter or angry at his ex, the narrator instead wishes her well despite the loss of her in his life.  While the song has been a fan favorite since it appeared on Ten more than a quarter of a century ago, it was never released by the band as a single because they thought it was too personal and fragile. You can feel the anguish in Vedder's voice, especially toward the end.  Powerful stuff.

Song: "Cat's in the Cradle"
Songwriter(s): Harry Chapin, Sandra Chapin
Artist(s): Harry Chapin, Ugly Kid Joe
Comments: This is a song where the sting of the song isn't a single lyric or line but rather the totality and irony of the entire narrative.  In the first few verses, a young boy wants to spend time with his father, though the latter is too busy to do so.  In the last few verses, the tables have turned.  The son is grown and the father (who is old and retired) wants to spend time with him, but now the son is too busy to do so.  The son turns out to emulate the father, though not in a good way.  The song hit #1 in late 1974 and then unexpectedly hit the top 10 again 19 years later when it was covered by rock band Ugly Kid Joe.  Interestingly, it likely means that someone who related to the young man the first go around would likely relate more to the old man when the cover was released.

Song: "Eleanor Rigby"
Songwriter(s): Paul McCartney (though it is attributed to John Lennon and Paul McCartney)
Artist(s): The Beatles
Sample Lyric(s): "Eleanor Rigby died in the church along with her name/Nobody came/Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave/No one was saved."
Comments: One of the more radical songs at the time of its release (prominent string quartet and no other instruments), it is a melancholy song that lyrically and musically creates a picture of two lonely people who appear to exist in proximity to one another but yet never connect to ease their respective loneliness.  While McCartney was sometimes criticized for only writing sappy love songs, this song proves his ability to craft something much darker that still connects with listeners.

Song: "The Freshmen"
Songwriter(s): Donny Brown, Doug Corella, J.J. Douglas, Brad Vander Ark, Brian Vander Ark
Artist(s): The Verve Pipe
Sample Lyric(s): "We never talk of our lacking relationships/And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor" and "For the life of me I cannot believe/We'd ever die for these sins"
Comments: No one really knows exactly what this song is about.  Abortion? Suicide? Even the band's lead singer and predominant song writer has given conflicting accounts over the years.  Regardless, it is a song about young people making mistakes and never imagining how grave and long lasting the consequences of those mistakes would be.  Just because you are young and seemingly invincible, your actions still have consequences.

Song: "The Funeral"
Songwriter(s): Evan Felker, Mike McClure
Artist(s): Turnpike Troubadours
Sample Lyric(s): "Ain't nothing like a family to make you feel so damned alone" and "Why's it take a funeral, boy, to bring you back to town?"
Comments: This is another gem by Turnpike Troubadours.  It tells the tale of Jimmy, a black sheep son who returns to his small town home for the funeral of his father.  The rest of the family doesn't care much for Jimmy or his girlfriend (who is described as a burned out Betty Paige who might have been pretty if she were half her age) who come back to the small town in a car that they stole.  Jimmy apparently hasn't been home for a long time and the song ends with his mother asking him why it took his father's funeral for him to actually come back around.  The lyrics provide little nuggets of detail throughout to the point where you can totally picture the characters and how they interact.  This song was not one that initially jumped out at me, but upon repeated listenings, it became one of my favorites.  Virtually every family (at least extended families) have a Jimmy, so I think everyone can relate to the characters that Felker and McClure have created.

Song: "Ghost in this House"
Songwriter(s): Hugh Prestwood
Artist(s): Shenandoah, Alison Krauss
Sample Lyric(s): "I don't live in these rooms, I just rattle around"
Comments: The first of back-to-back entries by Prestwood, this song talks about attempting to move on after the end of a relationship and paints a portrait of a heartbroken person who is little more than a ghost.  The Alison Krauss version is particularly moving as her feathery, angelic vocal (yes, like Sarah McLachlan, she has the voice of an angel) paints a picture of loneliness, depression and despair.  It's depressing as hell while also being hauntingly gorgeous.

Song: "Hard Rock Bottom of Your Heart"
Songwriter(s): Hugh Prestwood
Artist(s): Randy Travis
Sample Lyric(s): "I keep waiting for you to forgive me/You keep saying you can't ever start/And I feel like a stone you have picked up and thrown/To the hard rock bottom of your heart" and "I need your love, I miss it/I cant go on like this, it hurts too much."
Comments: A massive #1 hit for Randy Travis in 1990, this song is told from the perspective of a man who was unfaithful but who is now trying to seek forgiveness from his wife.  She can't bring herself to do so and it's causing him to become more despondent.  Country music has a long history of sad songs about cheating, but this one is unique in being more about the impact of a lack of forgiveness than the infidelity.  Prestwood wrote great lyrics and Travis delivers a stellar vocal performance.

Song: "He Stopped Loving Her Today"
Songwriter(s): Bobby Braddock, Curly Putman
Artist(s): George Jones
Sample Lyric(s): "He stopped loving her today/They laid a wreath upon his door/And soon they'll carry him away/But he stopped loving her today"
Comments: As expressed above, country music has a long history of sad songs, more so than any genre of music, with the possible exception of the blues.  This song may be the most famous of those.  In it, a man says he will love his lady until he dies.  And he does, even after she passes away.  His devotion to her remains strong.  The kicker is that "he stopped loving her today" because he died, thus fulfilling his promise.  The lyrics are great but it's George Jones' skilled, mournful vocals that helped push the son to the top of the charts years after his prime and make it one of the most loved country songs of all time.

Song: "Highway 20 Ride"
Songwriter(s): Zac Brown, Wyatt Durrette
Artist(s): Zac Brown Band
Sample Lyric(s): "And a part of you might hate me/But, son, please don't mistake me/For a man that didn't care at all."
Comments: Written essentially as a letter from a divorced dad to his son whom he travels Interstate 20 every other weekend to see, this song is a moving piece that helps illustrate the difficulties of divorce.  The narrator tries to explain himself to the boy, while acknowledging that the son may very well hold a grudge against him for not being there every day.  In lesser hands, the song could have come across as syrupy or schmaltzy, but the mournful fiddle and Brown's almost pleading vocals instead make it a powerful, honest song.

Song: "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye?"
Songwriter(s): Karen Taylor Good, Burton Banks Collins
Artist(s): Patty Loveless, Laura Branigan
Sample Lyric(s): "How can I help you say goodbye?/It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry."
Comments: One of the more melancholy country songs of the 1990s, it presents the narrator dealing with having to say goodbye at three different points of her life, each time being consoled by her mother. In the first verse, she is a little girl moving away from her best friend. In the second verse, she and her husband are packing up things as they divorce.  In the final verse, as she is at her mother's bedside as her mother prepares to pass away.  It's a blatant attempt to bring tears to your eyes, but darn it if the lyrics and vocal performance (at least in the Loveless version) don't fail to deliver the goods.

Song: "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times"
Songwriter(s): Brian Wilson, Tony Asher
Artist(s): Beach Boys
Sample Lyric(s): "I keep looking for a place to fit/Where I can speak my mind" and "Sometimes I feel very sad."
Comments: The Beach Boys are best known for upbeat, happy, surfing songs, which is ironic given the well publicized depression, substance abuse and mental health issues experienced by band founder and creative force Brian Wilson.  This song, which appears on the band's iconic Pet Sounds album, is the antithesis of "Fun, Fun, Fun" and "Surfin' Safari."  It is about depression and social alienation, how Wilson (despite his incredible talents) always felt like an outsider who didn't belong.  With Wilson's falsetto vocals backed by harmonies from the rest of band, it is a haunting, sobering number from a band best known for sunny pop songs.

Song: "I See It Now"
Songwriter(s): Larry Boone, Paul Nelson, Woody Lee
Artist(s): Tracy Lawrence
Sample Lyric(s): "Holding him, you've never looked more beautiful/Letting go has been so hard on me"
Comments: A lovely little waltz, this song is a quintessential example of "don't know what you have until it's gone." A man sees his ex out with her new love and he realizes what he had and how much he misses her.  It's not a unique sentiment at all, but with the prominent, lonesome fiddle and Lawrence vocals, it's well done and a cut above what you might otherwise expect if you just saw the lyrics on a piece of paper.

Song: "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"
Songwriter(s): Hank Williams
Artist(s): Hank Williams
Comments: The oldest song on this list, it is the forebearer for all of the sad country songs that came after it.  No less an authority than Elvis Presley called it "probably the saddest song I've ever heard." With an endorsement like that, what more do I need to say?

Song: "The Living Years"
Songwriter(s): Mike Rutherford, B.A. Robertson
Artist(s): Mike + The Mechanics
Sample Lyric(s): "I wasn't there that morning when my father passed away/I didn't get to tell him all the things I had to say"
Comments: A huge hit around the globe in early 1989, this melancholy number is backstopped by a repetitive guitar hook supporting typically terrific vocals from Paul Carrack.  (This guy has to be one of the least known lead singers who sang lead vocals on numerous hit songs for several different groups.)  The lyrics are of a man reflecting on miscommunication and an inability to reconcile differences with his late father.  I think everyone has regrets about things they never got to say to a loved one before they passed away and this song perfectly captures that sentiment.  I'm not crying - you're crying!

Song: "Lyin' Eyes"
Songwriter(s): Glenn Frey, Don Henley
Artist(s): Eagles
Sample Lyric(s): "She gets up and pours herself and strong one/And stares out at the stars up in the sky/Another night, it's gonna be a long one/She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry"
Comments: This one may surprise you, in that most people probably don't think of it as a sad song.  But, when you consider the story it tells, it is definitely a sad song.  It's about a woman who marries a wealthy older man for his money as opposed to love.  She has an affair with a young man across town, but she still returns home to an empty house every night.  Her life is a lie but she tries to put on  brave face to the world.  It's a pretty bleak character study and that's why it makes my list.

Song: "Memories and Rust"
Songwriter(s): James Dunning
Artist(s): Lost Immigrants
Sample Lyric(s): "I'll take this wheel at 10 and 2/Grip it with all my might/On the dash a picture of you/And I'll drive you out of my life/Take you to the end with me/Leave you in the dust/Drive you out until I'm free in this old heart/Of memories and rust"
Comments: A little known gem from a little known Texas Country band, it's a song about heartbreak and trying to move on from that.  As someone who spent many a night driving on country roads outside of Waco, Texas during college, singing along to sad songs, the chorus and general sentiment of this song absolutely speaks to me.  Lost Immigrants have a number of really good songs, but this one is my favorite of theirs.

Song: "Neon Moon"
Songwriter(s): Ronnie Dunn
Artist(s): Brooks & Dunn
Sample Lyric(s): "Now if you lose your one and only/There's always room here for the lonely/To watch your broken dreams/Dance in and out of the beams/Of a neon moon"
Comments: This is the archetypal sad country song of the 1990s.  A lonely man drinking his blues away in the corner of a bar lit only by neon signs.  Is it cliché? Sure.  Is it still effective? Heck yeah.  I stumbled across this song during my freshman year of college (when I was still very much a neophyte country music fan) and it was one of the first non-Garth Brooks songs that I learned the words to.

Song: "New Way to Fly"
Songwriter(s): Garth Brooks, Kim Williams
Artist(s): Garth Brooks
Sample Lyric(s): "A new way to fly/Far away from goodbye/Above the clouds and the rain/The memories and pain/And the tears that they've cried"
Comments: As crazy as it sounds, this song is the song that made me fall in love with country music.  Growing up, I had basically no exposure to country music.  My parents listened to The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Fleetwood Mac, etc. rather than Hank Williams and Merle Haggard.  When I was first introduced to Garth Brooks, people played up his more pop/rock stuff like "The Thunder Rolls."  But it was this sad country song that somehow grabbed me and dragged me in.  It uses bird imagery (like birds on a high line) to paint a picture of a bunch of sad, lonely men lined up at a bar who are trying to find a way to escape (or fly away from) their heartbreak.  It's nothing too unique, but without this song, I may never have heard many of the songs on this list.  As such, it's always occupied a little corner of my music loving heart.

Song: "No One is to Blame"
Songwriter(s): Howard Jones
Artist(s): Howard Jones
Sample Lyric(s): "Your aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain"
Comments: Few things in life are sadder than unrequited love.  One of the few things that ARE sadder is when two people love each other but are kept apart by bad timing or other circumstances.  This song paints that picture incredibly well - using a number of metaphors to illustrate how close one can be without getting to fulfill one's desires. He loves her and she loves him but they can't be together and it's no one's fault. This song still gets me 30+ years after I first heard it.

Song: "Nobody's Home"
Songwriter(s): Clint Black
Artist(s): Clint Black
Sample Lyric(s): "A cup of coffee in the morning/It's just food for the brain/I've been numb since our last goodbye/Haven't felt a thing"
Comments: The song describes a heartbroken man who is just going through the motions and routines of his life but who has ceased to live. He still dresses and combs his hair the same way but everyone agrees that he's just a shell of his former self. "The lights are on but nobody's home."

Song: "One"
Songwriter(s): James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich
Artist(s): Metallica
Comments: You didn't see this one coming, did you?  A thrash metal song as a sad song? Absolutely. The lyrics tell of a soldier wounded in battle who has lost his arms and legs and been left blind and deaf.  He's trapped inside his own mind and is only being kept alive by machines.  He wants to be allowed to die but can't communicate with anyone to make that desire known. It's dark stuff - as is often the case this genre of music - and is unquestionably sad.

Song: "Porcelain"
Songwriter(s): Kevin Griffin
Artist(s): Better Than Ezra
Sample Lyric(s): "Well I wish I could kill you, savor the sight/Get into my car, drive into the night/Lie as I scream to the heavens above/That I was the last one you ever loved"
Comments: This is a lesser known Better Than Ezra song off their debut album, Deluxe, which is one of my favorite albums of all time.  While it was never released as a single and wasn't a hit like "Good", I've always loved this song. Like many of the songs on this list, it's about someone trying to move on after the end of a relationship but they just can't seem to do so. In this instance, the narrator's ex-love has moved on and is with someone else and he wants to put her in her place and walk out the door, but he just can't do it because he's still entranced by her ("your skin is like porcelain").  Instead, he fantasizes about killing her just so that he could claim that he was the last one she ever loved, even though he knows that is a lie.  It's a dark, depressing sentiment that is presented with an aching vocal by Griffin and light, acoustic guitar accompaniment. It shows that a song can be both heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.

Song: "Sign on the Door"
Songwriter(s): Edwin McCain
Artist(s): Edwin McCain
Sample Lyric(s): "We all talk about timing, lifestyles and such/But to a heart that's been shattered, those words don't mean much"
Comments: When most people think of Edwin McCain, they likely think of ballads like "I'll Be."  True fans of his, however, know that he has a number of funkier, upbeat songs with horns.  This particular song is neither a ballad nor a funky, upbeat number.  It is a straight out blues number, complete with bluesy guitar work by Larry Chaney. It starts out slow and builds into a crescendo of McCain's soaring, soulful vocals above Chaney's bluesy shredding.  Lyrically, it's about two people with broken hearts who might have been together but for whom the times just didn't work out.  It uses a metaphor of a sign on the door saying "Sorry, we're closed" for a person's heart not being open for love or a relationship at the time. I've been a big fan of McCain's since I saw him play at a little club in Dallas, TX opening for Hootie and the Blowfish in February 1995 and this is one of my favorites by him.

Song: "Someone Like You"
Songwriter(s): Adele Adkins, Dan Wilson
Artist(s): Adele
Sample Lyric(s): "Don't forget me, I beg" and "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Comments: No list of a sad songs would be complete without at least one song from Adele, the British chanteuse who has produced a long litany of heartbreakers.  Her smoky and then soaring vocals convey her heartbreak while the lyrics paint a picture of a woman who still yearns for an ex-lover who has moved on and married someone else.  The subject matter (the song was co-written with Dan Wilson of Semisonic - "Closing Time" - fame) is nothing unique and in the hands of a lesser singer, it might have been cheesy or too syrupy.  But Adele's voice conveys the emotions so well and the simple piano accompaniment backs it up and it all works splendidly.

Song: "Sorry to a Friend"
Songwriter(s): Edwin McCain
Artist(s): Edwin McCain
Sample Lyric(s): "We had wonderful times but terrible timing"
Comments: This song has appeared on previous music lists that I have done because it is one of my favorite songs of all time and it is near and dear to my heart for reasons that shall remain unspoken. As I've alluded to earlier in a couple of songs, few things are sadder to me than two people who feel the same way about each other but who are kept apart by circumstances or bad timing. This song encapsulates and - especially the sample lyric above - captures that sentiment perfectly.  The two subjects of the song apparently haven't seen each other for two years, but it's obvious that they had very strong feelings for each other in the past but things never worked out.  They were extremely close friends who could have been more than that, but for whatever reason, it just never happened.  Now they have moved on with their lives and all they can say to each other is that they are sorry that they were never able to be together. McCain conveys the sentiment lyrically and through his vocals and this song never fails to hit me right in the heart.

Song: "Tears in Heaven"
Songwriter(s): Eric Clapton, Will Jennings
Artist(s): Eric Clapton
Comments: In the Spring of 1991, Clapton's four year old son died from the window of a high rise apartment building in New York City.  In response, Clapton wrote this song as part of his healing process to recover from his son's death.  Though Clapton is predominantly known for his electric guitar riffs during his solo career as well as his time with Cream and Derek & the Dominos, this song is a soft, quiet number primarily just consisting of Clapton's vocals and acoustic guitar. It became the biggest hit of Clapton's illustrious career and Clapton later admitted that the song and how people connected with it helped him heal from the tragedy that occurred.

Song: "Travelin' Soldier"
Songwriter(s): Bruce Robison
Artist(s): Bruce Robinson, Dixie Chicks
Comments: Another story song that paints a picture of two people kept apart by circumstances - in this case, the Vietnam War.  It tells the story of an 18 year old young man dressed in his Army green reaching out to the waitress at a local café (described as a girl with a bow in her hair). They get to know each other and then he tells her that he's about to leave for the Army and asks if he can write letters to her while he's gone. He does so and she falls for him through the letters. As it turns out, the young man dies in Vietnam and it seems like the girl with the bow in her hair is the only one who even cared. The song conveys a since of loneliness for both the young man and the girl and that shared loneliness is part of what led them together, only for Uncle Sam to intervene and keep them apart. 

Song: "Whiskey Lullaby"
Songwriter(s): Bill Anderson, Jon Randall
Artist(s): Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss
Sample Lyric(s): "She put him out/Like the burning end of a midnight cigarette/She broke his heart/He spent his whole life trying to forget"
Comments: If Shakespeare lived in modern Nashville, Tennessee and he wanted to write a country version of "Romeo and Juliet," it might turn out something like this.  The first verse (sung by Paisley) tells of a man who got rejected by the woman he loved and then proceeded to drink himself to death to deal with the pain. The second verse (sung by Krauss) tells of the aforementioned woman who is so guilt stricken by what happened that she likewise proceeds to drink herself to death.  The man and woman wind up being buried side-by-side under a tree. The two verses have an interesting symmetry as the two main characters' stories unfold and the two singers harmonize and deliver understated vocal performances that don't overwhelm the lyrics.

Song: "(Who Says) You Can't Have It All"
Songwriter(s): Alan Jackson, Jim McBride
Artist(s): Alan Jackson
Sample Lyric(s): "A stark naked lightbulb hangs over my head/There's one lonely pillow on my double bed"
Comments: It only makes sense to finish off a list that has been largely dominated by country songs with a song co-written and performed by one of the biggest country stars of the past 30 years. While this wasn't one of Jackson's biggest hits, it's always been one of my favorites of his.  It paints a picture of a broken-hearted man who lives in a lonely room whose walls are decorated by pictures of and letters from the woman who left him.  He refers to his sad surroundings as a "fool's Taj Mahal" and ironically implies that he has everything that he needs. It's a sad, downcast song dripping with steel guitar, a perfect example of how good a sad country song can be.

There's my list.  What sad songs are on your list?  What songs did I miss?  I'd love to hear your feedback!

Thanks for reading!

The Best, Worst and Weirdest College Mascots

College classes are starting and college football season starts this week.  With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to give you The Golden Rules' list of the best, worst and weirdest college nicknames/mascots. 
(Disclaimer: I am only using NCAA Division I schools for this list.  If I broadened it to include Division II, Division III and NAIA, it would be too overwhelming.  Unfortunately, that deprives us of some...um...interesting mascots, such as the University of California - Santa Cruz Banana Slugs, the Evergreen State College Geoducks, and the University of Arkansas - Monticello Boll Weevils.)

Each category is listed in alphabetical order, with the respective conference in parenthesis.

Here we go...

BEST COLLEGE MASCOTS/NICKNAMES


Arizona State Sun Devils (Pac 12) - I love it because it's unique and a great fit for a college located in the Valley of the Sun.  While the other Pac 12 school in Arizona makes the list of worst mascots (see below) by going with a boring, generic and all too common choice, ASU went unique and is much better for it. They've also traditionally had this awesome logo on their football helmets, though it's been replaced by a more modern - but much lamer - pitchfork.

Arkansas Razorbacks (SEC) - This will be the first of several choices that prove that I'm not a total homer.  Just because I may have a strong dislike - or, in some cases, hatred - for a school's sports teams, that doesn't mean that I can't admit when they have a good mascot.  Arkansas is Mizzou's designated conference rival, so I have to dislike them, though it's not as visceral of a reaction for me as it is when you're talking about Kansas or Texas or some other schools.  However, having a team named after a bunch of feral pigs is very cool and seems somewhat appropriate for the state they represent, seeing as how feral swine are most prevalent in southern states like Arkansas and Texas.  Arkansas also holds the distinction of being the only Division I program with a porcine mascot, even if it does result in that ridiculous "calling of the hogs" cheer.

Dayton Flyers (Atlantic 10) - As will soon become obvious, I'm a sucker for mascots with meaning - a mascot that represents something historical or representative of the state or area where the school is located.  Dayton's mascot is a perfect example of this.  The Wright Brothers, the pioneers of flight and the first airplane, were natives of Dayton, so the mascot pays homage to them.  It's a unique mascot that is a nod to the history of the area. 

Florida Gators (SEC) - One of the first things people think about when they think of Florida - after beaches, palm trees, Disney and senior citizens - are alligators.  Alligators are part of the lore of Florida, what with the Everglades and other swamps and fresh water lakes around the state.  As such,  it makes perfect sense for the state's primary land grant college to have Gators as their mascot.  The fact that the nickname of the football stadium is "The Swamp" just adds to the equation.

Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns (Sun Belt) - This is the perfect mascot for a school based in Acadiana, the French-speaking part of Louisiana.  Those folks refer to themselves as Cajuns and rhyming "Ragin'" with it and making that their mascot was a stroke of genius.  To make it even better, the school changed its mascot to Ragin' Cajuns from the too common "bulldogs."  Swapping a boring, commonplace mascot for a unique, geographically appropriate one?  Tres bon travail mes amis!

Maryland Terrapins (Big 10) - Maryland selected "terrapins" as their mascot after the diamondback terrapin, which is a species of turtle that is native to the Chesapeake Bay area of Maryland.  Another unique mascot that is a nod to the geography of the state the school represents.

Massachusetts Minutemen (Atlantic 10/Mid-American Conference) - When you are a university in the Commonweath of Massachusetts, this is the perfect mascot, though it admittedly works better for men's teams than women's teams, which are known as the "Minutewomen."  It's a nod to the Concord Minutemen, the militia who fought the British in the American Revolution.  Interestingly, this has only been their mascot since 1972.  Prior to that, UMass was one of the many schools with a Native American mascot, the Redmen.  Unlike some other schools who switched from Native American mascots to something lame (see below), at least UMass picked a great replacement.

Miami Hurricanes (ACC) - The first non-living thing on our list, Hurricanes is a great choice for a school in a city that has, unfortunately, experienced the wrath of hurricanes over the years. 

Minnesota Golden Gophers (Big Ten) - This one might surprise you.  At first glance, it seems like a

goofy, hokey mascot.  And maybe it is a little bit.  But considering that Minnesota is known as The Gopher State, it makes sense.  It's also the only NCAA school with a gopher as its mascot, so it's definitely unique.  Another reason it makes the list?  Because I'm a sucker for anthropomorphic mascots and Goldy Gopher is one of the best of those.




Montana Grizzlies (Big Sky) - When you think of Montana, you likely think of mountains, open spaces, and big blue skies.  If you think about what kinds of animals live in Montana, you very well may think of grizzly bears, since more than half of the estimated 1,500 grizzlies living in the contiguous U.S. can be found in Montana.  It's a unique name of an animal that is endemic to the state it represents.  I also love their maroon and silver color scheme.

Nebraska Cornhuskers (Big Ten) - Of all of the mascots on this list, this one might be my favorite, even though - as a lifelong Mizzou fan and a Baylor grad - it pains me to say that.  However, when you think of a Midwestern plains state like Nebraska, you likely think of fields of corn and wheat.  As such, the picture of a person husking corn is a fitting image and thus the perfect mascot for a college in Nebraska.  It's unique and appropriate, so it makes the list.

New Mexico Lobos (Mountain West) - This one is an example of taking a somewhat vanilla mascot (a wolf) and spicing it up by choosing the Spanish version of the word as the mascot.  While there are other schools with wolf mascots (Nevada and NC State, for example), New Mexico separates itself from the pack (pun intended) by going with "lobos" instead of "wolves" or "wolfpack".  New Mexico is a mountainous state with lots of wolves and it's continguous to Mexico, so it all goes well together.

Oklahoma Sooners (Big 12) - This is another unique mascot that points to the state's history, dating back to the Land Rush of 1889 and the settlers who settled land in what is now the state of Oklahoma.  To their credit, OU has made the most of it by using the "Sooner schooner" - a covered wagon similar to what was used during the aforementioned land rush - as a symbol of the school.

Old Dominion Monarchs (Conference USA) - This is likely one of the lesser known schools and mascots on this list.  ODU is itself named after Virginia's nickname, "Old Dominion."  The university is actually an offshoot of the College of William and Mary, which is the second oldest university in the U.S. and was named after, you guessed it, two monarchs - King William III and Queen Mary II.  So, when you consider the background and history of the school, Monarchs is an excellent choice for their mascot.

Pepperdine Waves (West Coast) - Pepperdine undoubtedly has one of the most amazing settings of any university in the country.  It is located on bluffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean just outside of Malibu, CA.  Seeing as how it is literally a stones throw from the waves of the Pacific, having Waves as their mascot absolutely makes sense.

Purdue Boilermakers (Big Ten) - Considering the fact that I'm married to an Indiana Hoosier (more on them later), I probably shouldn't be giving high marks to the mascot of her alma mater's arch rival.  But Boilermakers is a perfect mascot for a school that is renowned for its engineering program.  In fact, in the earlier days of Purdue, its students actually maintained a fully operational steam locomotive, which helped lead to the unique nickname.

Tennessee Volunteers (SEC) - Tennessee is "The Volunteer State," so named for their overwhelming response for volunteers to fight in the Mexican-American War in the 1840s.  President Polk requested 2,600 volunteers nationwide and got more than 10 times that many volunteers from Tennessee alone.  With that lineage, it makes perfect sense for the state's main university to christen its sports teams the Volunteers.

Texas Longhorns (Big 12) - Remember when I said earlier that I had some choices that prove I'm not a homer?  This is the biggest example of that.  I HATE Texas.  I hate their fans and their hideous colors and their "I've Been Working on the Railroad" alma mater and their stupid Longhorn Network.  Having said that, having "Longhorns" as their mascot makes all the sense in the world.  When people think of Texas, they think of cowboys and oil wells and Texas Longhorn cattle, so calling their teams "longhorns" was an obvious but very good choice. 

West Virginia Mountaineers (Big 12) - West Virginia is located in the art of Appalachia, so it is a mountainous and largely rural state.  With that in mind, using "Mountaineers" as their mascot is a great choice.  The fact that, each year, a different student is selected to dress up as the mountaineer to serve as the school's official mascot is pretty cool, too.  While the "mountaineers" moniker is not entirely unique (Appalachian State uses it as well), West Virginia was using it before ASU was even established as a college.

Wichita State Shockers (American) - Like Nebraska, Kansas is commonly associated with farms and field of corn and wheat.  Early on in Wichita State's history, many students earned money by shocking (or harvesting) wheat.  In addition, some of their early football games were played on a stubbed wheat field.  As a result, an early, unofficial nickname for their athletic teams were the "Wheatshockers." The name caught on, though newspaper sports reporters shortened it to "Shockers" and the university soon then formally adopted it as their mascot.  It's a unique, appropriate nickname, so it rounds out our list of the best mascots.

So, there you have my list of the BEST college mascots.  Now, let's move on and go through my list of the WORST...

WORST COLLEGE MASCOTS/NICKNAMES

Wildcats (multiple schools, including Arizona, Kansas State, Kentucky, Northwestern and Villanova) - This has to be the laziest, most generic mascot in all of sports.  It's not specific (like "Pumas" or "Lynx" or "Bobcats" would be) and anytime a team in the desert, a team in the plains and  teams in Chicago and Philadelphia have the same mascot, you know it's a bad mascot.  While there are some "wild cats" that are native to the U.S., none of them are actually called or known as "wildcats."  The species of "wild cats" that ARE known as "wildcats" are native to Europe, Asia and Africa.  All of that combined makes this my choice for the worst mascot.

Bulldogs (multiple schools, including Butler, Fresno State, Georgia, Gonzaga, Louisiana Tech, Mississippi State and Yale) - While less generic, this mascot is so common as to be boring.  In fact, the bulldog is the most common mascot among Division I schools with a total of 15 school using it.  When your mascot isn't even unique within your own conference, you have a bad mascot.

Tigers (multiple schools, including Auburn, Clemson, LSU, Memphis, Missouri and Princeton) - Another too common mascot.  While there is some justification for some schools to have chosen it (the Missouri Tigers name pays tribute to a Civil War era militia that protected Columbia from attacks and was known as "The Missouri Tigers", for example), there are just too many schools that have chosen it.  Even more befuddling are the schools who have selected "tigers" as their mascot but school colors that have nothing to do with tigers.  Missouri uses black and gold, which makes sense.  Princeton uses black and orange, which also makes sense.  But LSU's PURPLE and gold? Clemson's orange and PURPLE?  No, no, no.

To illustrate how common these mascots are, let's consider the SEC.  That conference has two teams named "bulldogs" (Georgia and Mississippi State) and three teams named "tigers" (Auburn, LSU and Missouri), as well as the obligatory "wildcats" (Kentucky).  So, out of the 14 teams in the conference, more than 1/3 have either "bulldogs" or "tigers" as their mascot.

Former Native American name, now red something (Arkansas State, Miami, St. John's, Southeast Missouri) - For years, "Indians" or some derivative of that (redmen, warriors, etc.) was a common mascot for teams.  Besides being ethnically and racially insensitive, it was incredibly generic.  To their credit, many schools have dropped those Native American mascots.  Unfortunately, most them have selected lame mascots with the word "red" in their name.  Arkansas State went from "Indians" to "Red Wolves".  Miami went from "Redskins" to "RedHawks".  St. John's went from "Redmen" to "Red Storm".  Southeast Missouri went from "Indians" to "Redhawks".  I get it - red is one of your school colors, but that doesn't mean it has to be part of the team's name.  As mentioned earlier, when UMass ditched their Native American mascot, they switched to something terrific.  These other schools picked "Red Something," which is just lazy and lame.

Eagles or some variant of it (multiple schools, including Boston College, Eastern Michigan, Marquette, Southern Mississippi) - Like "bulldogs", there 15 Division I school who have "eagles" as their mascot.  Many of them have tried to distinguish themselves by throwing a color in front of "Eagles" - Golden is a popular choice (see Marquette, Southern Miss, Oral Roberts and Tennessee Tech) - but it's still an eagle.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish (ACC) - It's interesting.  Everyone is offended by teams portraying Native Americans as bloodthirsty savages, but nobody has a problem with a school perpetuating the stereotype of the Irish as drunken brawlers?  It would be akin to a school using "Italian Mobsters" and "Jewish Misers" as their mascot.  Notre Dame is one of the finest academic institutions in this country; it's a shame their mascot, while unique, is a blatant, tired stereotype.

Auburn (SEC) - At this point, I think it's reasonable to call out Auburn as being doubly bad.  While their official mascot is the "tigers," they also do the whole "war eagle" thing, so they have both tigers AND eagles, both among the most common mascots around.

Now that we've gone through our best and worst mascots, now it's time for the WEIRDEST mascots...

WEIRDEST COLLEGE MASCOTS/NICKNAMES

Idaho Vandals (Big Sky) - Many of these weird names can be attributed to old time sportswriters.  This one is an example of that.  The Vandals name dates back to a 1917 article in the school newspaper in which he referred to the team as "Vandals" because they competed so ferociously that they "vandalized" their opponents.  The name stuck and became the official mascot in 1921.  Typically, "vandals" has a negative connotation, but Idaho has embraced it as their mascot.  It's an odd, but certainly unique, choice.

Indiana Hoosiers (Big Ten) - To be honest, this one makes sense.  "Hoosiers" is a demonym of people from Indiana, so it makes sense that the state's flagship university would choose Hoosiers as their mascot.  Here's the thing, though - no one knows what the hell a hoosier is.  There are numerous different stories as to where the term originated but there is no universally accepted explanation.  In a way, it's a made up word that has somehow come to define a university and a state.  When my wife and I were first dating, I asked her what IU's mascot was.  Her reply? "Bob Knight, I guess."

Marshall Thundering Herd (Conference USA) - The Thundering Herd moniker comes from a 1920s novel and silent film, which inspired a local sportswriter to use the term to refer to Marshall's sports teams.  However, it wasn't officially chosen as the school's official mascot until 1965.  Most interesting are some of the other names that were unofficially used to describe Marshall's teams - names such as "Boogercats" and "Green Gobblers."


North Carolina Tar Heels (ACC) - This one is similar to Indiana.  It's a term broadly applied to the residents of the state, as well as the state's flagship university, but no one knows exactly where the name came from.  It likely stems from the fact that things like tar and turpentine were early exports
from North Carolina's pine forests and it was a term that grew in popularity during the Civil War.  It was originally a pejorative but North Carolinians then turned it into a source of pride.  While UNC has periodically used this cool tar heel logo, they also often use a ram mascot for some reason.

North Texas Mean Green (Conference USA) - This is another weird one with dubious origins.  Prior to the late 1960s, North Texas's mascot was the eagles.  But sometime during the late '60s, it morphed into Mean Green.  This was around the same time that football legend "Mean" Joe Greene played for them and it's not necessarily clear which came first - the player's nickname or the team's.  Either way, it's an odd one.

Saint Louis Billikens (Atlantic 10) - SLU's sports teams are named after a good luck charm doll that was a popular fad back in the early 1900s.  So, it's the early 20th century equivalent of naming a team after a pet rock or fidget spinner.

South Carolina Chicken Things (SEC and Sun Belt) - South Carolina's mascot has been the Gamecocks since 1900.  A gamecock is a rooster bred for cockfighting, though my favorite definition of "gamecock" is one I saw on a bumper sticker on vacation in South Carolina years ago:

Either way, it's a weird mascot.  When Coastal Carolina University became affiliated with the University of South Carolina in the 1960s, there was a push to replace CCU's existing mascot (Trojans) with something more in line with the Gamecocks from USC.  The result? Coastal Carolina chose the difficult to pronounce "Chanticleers" as their new mascot, with the Chanticleer coming from a rooster made famous in The Canterbury Tales.  So, one state with two rooster/chicken mascots.  Bizarre, but better than naming the teams after palmetto roaches, though.

Stanford Cardinal (Pac 12) - Yes, it's "Cardinal" singular rather than "cardinals" plural.  And while Stanford has no official mascot, a member of the Stanford marching band dresses up in a homemade tree costume and appears at some sporting events, thus surviving as a de facto mascot.

TCU Horned Frogs (Big 12) - I debated putting this one in the "best" category since the mascot is a tribute to the Texas horned lizard, which is the state reptile of Texas.  However, it makes the weird list because the "horned frog" is generally a docile creature that is smaller than 5 inches in length.  So naming your sports teams after a hand-sized reptile?  Yeah, I'd call that weird.

Tulane Green Wave (American) - The teams are named after a football song, "The Rolling Green Wave" that was published in the Tulane student newspaper in 1920.  Though, whenever I hear "green wave", it makes me think of an algae bloom in a body of water.  Unique? Yes. Weird? Absolutely.  At least Tulane is located somewhat close to a body of water, unlike...

Tulsa Golden Hurricane (American) - Tulsa is in northeastern Oklahoma, hundreds of miles away from any ocean or the Gulf of Mexico.  As such, short of some crazy flooding and rapid fire rising of the oceans, it isn't meteorologically possible for a hurricane to hit it.  Originally, the team was called the "Golden Tornadoes" for a few years in the 1920s.  Seeing as how Oklahoma is in the heart of tornado alley, it made sense.  However, the school dropped that mascot after discovering that Georgia Tech was using it.  They then substituted "hurricane" for "tornadoes" (not sure why they went from plural to singular, but whatever) and that has been their mascot ever since.  So, whereas "Hurricanes" is a great mascot for a school in Miami, Florida, "Golden Hurricane" is just a weird choice for a school in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Virginia Tech Hokies (ACC) - This is another mascot based upon a made-up, nonsense word.  The term evolved from a spirit cheer developed in 1896, the majority of which is a bunch of gibberish.  For some reason, the "Hokie" part stuck and the teams were named after that.  Because no one knows what the hell a hokie is, the team's actual mascot at sporting events is an anthropomorphic turkey-like creature, a nod to the informal nickname of the "Fighting Gobblers" that Tech fans have used for their teams since the 1920s.  Whether you call them the "Hokies" or the "Gobblers," it's a weird mascot either way.

Wake Forest Demon Deacons (ACC) - Originally, Wake Forest's sports teams were known as the "Fighting Baptists," which might be the coolest and most accurate name in the history of sports. 

However, in 1923, following a big football win, a sportswriter said that the Deacons "fought like demons" and the "Demon Deacons" moniker came to fruition and then stuck.  It's certainly an odd mascot, though it still has a connection to the old Baptist roots of the university.  Their logo, though, can be best described as "angry old man wearing top hat," which isn't as awesome as "Fighting Baptists" and is admittedly a little too wordy to actually use as the name of the teams.


There you have it - my (fairly comprehensive) list of the best, worst and weirdest college mascots.  Kudos to the ACC and Big 10 for having a lot of unique mascots!  Do you disagree with any of my choices?  Are there any really good, really bad or really weird mascots that I missed?  If so, leave a comment and let me know.

Thanks for reading!

Top 30 Hair Band Songs

Music in the 1980s was dominated by one-hit wonders, synthesizers and hair bands.  I've covered the former in a previous blog post and today I'm going to tackle the latter with The Golden Rules' list of the Top 30 Hair Band Songs.

While songs from hair bands often dominated the airwaves in the late 1980s, those groups and their songs were frequently maligned in the 1990s when grunge and alternative music was all the rage.  Hair bands were criticized as being lightweights, more style than substance.  While there is certainly some truth to that assertion - I mean, come on, look at the poofy hair and the make-up - it also glosses over that those bands featured some terrific guitarists and vocalists who were responsible for a lot of great songs.  To that end, I think it's only fair that we pay tribute to those groups and their music.

For the purposes of this list, there are some rock bands who are sometimes considered "hair bands" or "glam metal" that I am excluding for various reasons.  Those bands include Van Halen (who was established as a big rock band in the late 1970s and largely preceded the hair band trend, though they undoubtedly influenced it), Quiet Riot (who had released two records in the late 1970s before hair bands were a thing), Def Leppard (who once again had released multiple records prior to the hair band era) and Guns 'n Roses (who were the spawn of a couple of hair bands but who had a rough and tumble, decidedly less "glam metal" image and sound than the rest of the bands on this list.)

With that caveat out of the way, raise your lighters and join me in paying tribute to the days of big hair and big hooks as we navigate my list of the Top 30 Hair Band Songs.

30. "Love of a Lifetime" by FireHouse - One of the hallmarks of hair bands was the power ballad, so it only makes sense to kick off our list of one of those.  FireHouse was probably one of the most widely mocked of the hair bands, largely because they pretty much only had hits with sappy power ballads like this song.  However, in spite of the schmaltz, it is one of the better power ballads from the hair band years.  I actually saw FireHouse in concert in the early '90s and they put on a pretty good show.

29. "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" by Nelson - The offspring of '50s teen idol and musician Rick Nelson, the Nelson twins had some musical success of their own with this song, which hit #1 in 1990.  This song isn't as well known as most of the songs that will appear on this list but it's undeniably catchy with a sing along chorus.

28. "Up All Night" by Slaughter - If there is any band name that ever failed to fit the music they produced, this is probably it.  When you think "Slaughter," you're probably thinking of something in the death metal or thrash vein, similar to bands like Slayer or Anthrax, which were decidedly NOT hair bands.  However, Slaughter is just another hair band and their name doesn't reflect their music.  Of course, the band is named after their front man and lead singer Mark Slaughter.  Putting aside all of that, one of the hallmarks of hair bands - beyond the big hair - were lyrics extolling the good times and the party lifestyle.  And with a chorus that says "Up all night/sleep all day," this song certainly qualifies.  While Slaughter is typically considered one of the more lightweight hair bands, this song and it's party vibe (along with Mark Slaughter's piercing tenor vocals) cause this song to make the cut.

27. "Unskinny Bop" by Poison - Of all of the bands that rose to fame during the 1980s, Poison probably embodies the "hair band" or "glam metal" mantle more than any of them.  Their hair was bigger, make-up more prominent, and shredding guitar solos by C.C. DeVille faster.  As a result, this is the first of several Poison songs to make this list.  This song, while certainly catchy with "bop-bop-bop-bop" hook in the chorus, also makes the list for the fact that no one - including the band - has a clue what it's about.  Sex? A dance? Nonsense?  Who knows and who cares?  "And nothin' more to say."

26. "Nobody's Fool" by Cinderella - While Cinderella wasn't nearly as big as some of the other bands on this list, they had a few hits and certainly used more than a few cans of AquaNet, as this picture shows.  While this technically wasn't their biggest hit (1988's "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)" hit #12 while this song peaked at #13), I think this is their best song and one worthy of making this list, albeit toward the bottom.  Incidentally, continuing the Disney theme, if I were to ever start a hair band, I'd call them Prince Charming.  At least that's a smidge more masculine than Cinderella. 


25. "Same Ol' Situation (S.O.S.)" by Motley Crue - The first of several entries on the list from the Crue, this song comes from their massively successful 1989 album "Dr. Feelgood."  It was the fifth and final single released from the album and the least successful of those singles.  However, I actually prefer this song to the title track of the album, as well as the obligatory ballad, "Without You," neither of which make this list.  The song, with its sing-along chorus and accompanying music video, capture the Crue at their sober yet still a little raunchy best. 

24. "Calling On You" by Stryper - First of all, I'm a sucker for Stryper.  They were my favorite band during my early teens and my first real concert - I even got backstage passes and was able to

meet the band on January 25, 1989.  Like all of the other bands on this list, they were undeniably a hair band, as you can tell from the picture at left.  However, what made Stryper different were their lyrics and their worldview.  Whereas most hair bands sang about "nothing but a good time," Stryper's lyrics were about God, Jesus and faith.  While I loved many of the band's songs, "Calling On You" is a good sample of the Stryper sound - anthemic glam metal with angelic choruses and shredding guitar solos by Oz Fox.  This song was not their biggest hit (that was the syrupy power ballad "Honestly," which was their sole Top 40 hit) but the video was a mainstay on MTV during the Dial MTV days.  I couldn't do a list of the top hair band songs without sneaking a Stryper song onto the list, so this one slides in at #24.

23. "18 & Life" by Skid Row - We go from a song about God to a song about a teenager getting a life sentence in prison for killing another teenager.  It's a little weightier stuff than most of the songs on the list, proof that hair bands could actually write songs that had some substance to them. Skid Row was fronted by Sebastian Bach who combined matinee idol looks with some serious vocal chops.  The band had only a short run at the top of the charts but managed to have two Top 10 hits (including this one) in 1989.

22. "Wait" by White Lion - This is likely one of the lesser known songs from one of the lesser known bands on this list.  It also wasn't their biggest hit, with this song peaking at #8 in 1988, while "When the Children Cry" hit #3 the following year.  This song is a upbeat, hooky number with a chorus in which the singer pleads with his girl not to leave him.  I preferred it to the aforementioned power ballad (of which there are already plenty on this list), so this one makes the list at #22.

21. "Looks That Kill" by Motley Crue - Some people may not consider Motley Crue to be a "hair band" given that their music was generally a little heavier than many of their fellow '80s rockers. Those people are wrong, as I think the picture from the cover of their breakthrough album Shout at the Devil makes clear.  Beyond that, this song - my favorite from that album - is built around a repetitive guitar riff played by Mick Mars.  It was the band's first Top 20 hit on the mainstream rock charts and the song that really put them on the map as a hard rock/heavy metal band to be reckoned with. 


20. "Seventeen" by Winger - Few hair bands were the subject of more scorn than Winger.  This is exemplified no better than the fact Stewart, that the dorky kid who was a classmate of Beavis and Butthead's in the MTV cartoon, was outfitted in a Winger band t-shirt (whereas the titular stars sported Metallica and AC/DC shirts).  Nevertheless, this song has a great bassline and is more progressive musically than it gets credit for being.  As for the lyrics.....well, they are suggestive and salacious, which is a pretty good representation of the sex, drugs and rock 'n roll ethos of the '80s.  For all the jokes made at Winger's expense over the years, this was undeniably a big hit during the peak hair band years.  Did you know? Kip Winger cites the first line of The Beatles' hit song "I Saw Her Standing There" as the inspiration for the song and the age of the temptress it's about.

19. "Fallen Angel" by Poison - The second Poison entry on our list is a bit more serious than the first entry.  It tells the common tale of a small town girl who heads to Los Angeles in pursuit of fame and fortune, only to find things much more difficult than she anticipated.  In one sense, it's kind of a cliché.  In another sense, however, the music and back and forth vocals on the chorus are an example of hair bands at their best.  This song isn't as well known as some of the other Poison songs on this list, but that doesn't make it any less of a really good song.

18. "I'll Be There For You" by Bon Jovi - Of all of the hair bands of the 1980s, none were bigger than Bon Jovi.  In fact, in the latter half of the decade, you can make the argument that the two biggest rock bands in the world were U2 and Bon Jovi.  Their 1988 record New Jersey was a massive success, selling more than 7 million copies in the U.S. and more than 18 million copies worldwide.  This song is one of the reasons why.  While it is, in some ways, a paint-by-the-numbers power ballad, it features an all out vocal performance by Jon Bon Jovi and some interesting guitar work by Richie Sambora, including a sitar-like intro and outro.  While it was undeniably a blatant attempt to have a hit love song for the 1989 prom and wedding season, it's done so darn well that you can forgive the band for it.

17. "The Final Countdown" by Europe - Unique among hair bands, who are overwhelmingly American, Europe hails from Sweden.  This song is best known for the prominent keyboard riff, which helped distinguish it from most songs of the era which were built around guitar riffs.  In recent years, the song has been featured in a GEICO commercial and is often played at sporting events, even sometimes by marching bands.  The song hit #1 in more than 20 countries around the globe and with success and a legacy like that, it shouldn't be a surprise that it makes our list.

16. "I Remember You" by Skid Row - Our second entry by Skid Row is a power ballad that encapsulates the pipes displayed by frontman Sebastian Bach.  Lyrically, it's run of the mill power ballad love song stuff.  But it's Bach's soaring vocals that elevate the song and likely made it such a big hit.  Since briefly ruling the airwaves in the late' 80s, Bach has gone on to perform on Broadway, further testament to his vocal abilities.

15. "Nothing But a Good Time" by Poison - We hit the midpoint of our list with another Poison song that is the perfect embodiment of the decade of excess.  It talks of struggling to pay the bills on one hand and spending money "on women and wine" on the other.  The chorus of "Don't need nothing but a good time" sums of the decade in general and the hair band scene in particular.  Throw in a sing along chorus and typically great guitar work by C.C. DeVille and you have a huge hit song.

14. "When I See You Smile" by Bad English - This band was one of the rock "supergroups" that formed in the 1980s.  It featured three members of Journey (including acclaimed guitarist Neal Schon) and vocalist John Waite, who had a #1 hit as a solo act in 1984 with "Missing You." The song is written by prolific song writer Diane Warren, who has pretty much cornered the market on hit ballads and love songs over the past 35 years.  Like most of her work, it's a shamelessly optimistic love song, but darn it if it doesn't work thanks to Waite's vocals and Schon's guitar work.  Like most supergroups, Bad English was short-lived, only existing from 1987-1991.  However, during their brief existence they produced two top 5 hits.  This song hit #1 in early 1989.

13. "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister - No '80s hair band list could be complete without at least one song from Twisted Sister.  The band took the whole hair band concept and turned it on its ear, from their very name to lead singer Dee Snider's over-the-top hair and makeup.  In addition to having a punk rock attitude and outlook, the song boasted a hilarious music video which featured Animal House alum Mark Metcalf reclaiming his iconic Douglas C. Neidermayer character.  The video both poked fun at the band and at Metcalf's most well known film role, which undoubtedly helped increase the song's popularity.  "Is that a Twisted Sister pin? On your uniform?"

12. "You Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi - In America in 1986, there was no bigger album than Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet.  The album sold 12 million copies in the U.S. and more than 28 million worldwide.  This was the first single from the album and it was their first #1 hit.  It was written by Bon Jovi's primary songwriters Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora, along with veteran songwriter Desmond Child.  It's about a femme fatale and features great lines like "blood red nails on your fingertips" and "your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye."  This is Bon Jovi's second appearance on this list - but it won't be their last.

11. "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue - Unlike their first two entries on this list, this song is a power ballad.  But rather than it being an ode to a lover, it's about life on the road and heading back home after being gone for a long time.  It's a very simple song without a whole lot of lyrics - basically, about half the song is "I'm on my way/Home sweet home" - but it does what it does very well.  It starts out slowly and builds to a crescendo of the band repeating the chorus over a bluesy guitar solo by Mick Mars.  Interestingly, the piano intros and outros are played by drummer Tommy Lee, a rarity in rock.  The song has been covered numerous by everyone from Limp Bizkit to Carrie Underwood (who had a Top 25 hit with her remake in 2009) which is a further testament to the impact and staying power of the song.

10. "Turn Up the Radio" by Autograph - We kick off the Top 10 with a one hit wonder whose sole hit is a mainstay on SiriusXM's Hair Nation channel.  It's a song that most people would recognize while at the same time being at a loss to identify the artist who recorded it.  It has a great hook and embraces the typical teenage rock fan viewpoint that "if it's too loud, you're too old."  The song was only a last minute inclusion on the band's debut record and almost didn't make the cut because the label didn't think it had any commercial value.  Obviously, they were wrong about that assessment.

9. "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake - Ahh, Whitesnake.  Few bands have ever used MTV and music videos to advance their careers as deftly as David Coverdale and company.  The band had existed for almost a decade without a big hit in the U.S. until this song and the famous (or is it infamous?) music video that supported it.  The video prominently featured a scantily clad actress

(Tawny Kitaen) sprawled out and rolling around of the hoods of expensive cars and then attempting to seduce lead singer (and real life boyfriend) David Coverdale while he is driving.  In a precursor to a famous Seinfeld episode that followed several years later, the video inadvertently showed a brief clip of Kitaen's nipple, something that wasn't caught and edited by MTV until after the video had been airing for months.  The formula helped make the song a #1 hit in October 1987 and was so successful that the band created another video featuring Kitaen for the follow-up single "Is This Love?"  "Here I Go Again" has proved to have staying power.  In addition to still being played on '80s and classic rock stations, in recent years, it has been featured in TV commercials for Walmart and GEICO.

8. "Round and Round" by Ratt - This is another song where the music video was undoubtedly a large component of the song's success.  In this case, the video had the band rocking out in the attic of a mansion, while a fancy, high society dinner party is taking place in the house below.  The guests at the dinner party get more and more annoyed by the loud noises from above, until their party gets interrupted when the guitarist falls through the ceiling and plays his guitar solo on their dinner table.  Kudos to the band for casting Hollywood legend Milton Berle in not one but TWO roles in the video, one of which involves him cross dressing as a snooty, upper crust matron.

7. "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison - Yes, another Poison song, but as I stated before, no band better exemplifies the hair band look and sound.  This song was their first big hit when it reached the Top 10 in 1987 and it is an undisputable classic of the genre.  It displays what is probably guitarist C.C. Deville's best guitar work that serves as the driving force to a frantic, upbeat song with a great chorus and a great hook.  It's a little raunchy (without being too much so) and is just a lot of fun to listen to and sing along with.  "At the drive-in, in the old man's Ford, behind the bushes..."

6. "Wanted Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi - Another huge hit from their ginormous Slippery When Wet album, this song mixes a little bit of country (with slide guitar and western imagery) with a little bit of hard rock (a blistering guitar solo by Richie Sambora) amid lyrics about life on the road and vocal interplay between Bon Jovi and Sambora.  This is my second favorite Bon Jovi song and (foreshadowing) it's the second to last Bon Jovi song on this list.  Can you guess the remaining one before reading on?

5. "Kickstart My Heart" by Motley Crue - This is probably the heaviest song on this list and one of the heaviest songs Motley Crue has recorded.  It begins with Mick Mars simulating a motorcycle shifting gears on his guitar and continues at a breakneck pace for almost all of the remaining 4.5+ minutes.  The lyrics of the newly sober band talk about the band now getting their thrills from things besides drugs - fast cars, skydiving, women and rock 'n roll.  The song, written by bassist and primary songwriter Nikki Sixx, is said to be inspired by a near death experience in which he had to be revived by a shot of adrenaline to the heart following a drug overdose.  30 years after its release, it remains one of the band's most popular songs, having been featured in numerous films, video games and even as a soundtrack for a rock 'n roll themed roller coaster.

4. "Heaven" by Warrant - We follow up the heaviest song on this list with what may be the softest song on the list.  The lone entry on this list by Warrant, it is a power ballad that became the band's biggest hit, peaking at #2.  However, this song is a little more melancholy than many power ballads, with the narrator looking back at faded photographs and walking alone down a boulevard late at night, making it seem as if he has lost his love but is still hanging on and hoping that she will come back ("I don't know what to do but I'm never giving up on you.") Musically, this is a perfect example of the hair band power ballad: acoustic guitar and softer verses with electric guitars and a harder rocking chorus.  The simple nature of the chorus and the ease with which one can sing along with it ("Heaven isn't too far away/Closer to it every day/No matter what your friends might say") likely helped make the song the big hit that it was.

3. "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger - Yet another power ballad, this song is one of the most enduring songs of the 1980s.  It has a great sing along chorus and has the distinction of being written and sung by the band's drummer, Kelly Keagy, who wrote it for his sister, Christy.  It was the band's biggest hit, peaking in 1984 at #5 in the U.S. and #1 in Canada. Whereas most power ballad's are about love or heartbreak, this song is written from the perspective of an older brother worrying about his kid sister growing up and hoping she makes good choices along the way.  It's a sweet sentiment and something that is unique amongst the many hair band hits.  Come on, sing along with me: "Motorin'. What's your price for flight?..."

2. "Livin' On a Prayer" by Bon Jovi - It was the biggest hit from one of the biggest bands in the world at the time.  It hit #1 in countries all around the globe.  The lyrics are Springsteen-esque and tell a story of a working class couple (Tommy and Gina) struggling to make ends meet but knowing that they can make it because of the strength of their love for each other.  In just a few verses, it paints a picture that makes the two protagonists familiar and relatable.  The chorus is instantly recognizable to the point that even kids nowadays (like my kids) can sing along with it.  It is played at sporting events and has been featured in numerous video games and movies since its release in late 1986.

1. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison - I struggled mightily with which of these top two songs and which to put in the top spot.  Because power ballads were such an integral part of hair band music (as this list clearly demonstrates), I decided to put the best of all of those power ballads in the top spot.  Like the #6 song on this list, it has a hint of country to it (what with acoustic guitar and a
lyric about cowboys and sad songs), though C.C. DeVille's superb guitar solo certainly rocks.  It is a song about heartbreak and singer Bret Michaels's understated, mournful vocals help convey that.  The bridge also features one of my favorite lyrics: "Though it's been a while now/I can still feel so much pain/Like a knife that cuts and the wound heals/But the scar, that scar remains."  It was, in my opinion, the best song by the ultimate hair band and that's why it tops the list.

There you have it - my list of the Top 30 Hair Band Songs.  Do you agree with my picks?  Are there any songs that you think I left out?  I'd love to hear your feedback.

As always, thanks for reading!

A List of Lists

Longtime readers of this blog know that I have an affinity for lists - Top 10 movies, best sports logos, best one hit wonders, etc.  In that spirit, I give you a list of my top 5 things in a variety of categories.  You can call it "A List of Lists" or maybe "Tim's Top 5s".

At any rate, here we go...

Top 5 Sodas
5. Coke
4. Mr. Pibb
3. RC Cola
2. Pepsi
1. Dr Pepper
Comment: Dr Pepper is the nectar of the gods.  I imagine some of my Southern friends will be apoplectic about Coke being below not just Pepsi but also RC.

Top 5 Metallica Songs
5. "Enter Sandman"
4. "Fade to Black"
3. "For Whom the Bell Tolls"
2. "One"
1. "Master of Puppets"
Comment: The top 2 are arguably the best heavy metal songs of all time.

Top 5 Candy Bars
5. 100 Grand
4. Whatchamacallit
3. Kit Kat
2. Butterfinger
1. Twix
Comment: Twix is unquestionably the best, while Whatchamacallit is the most underrated candy bar out there.

Top 5 U2 Songs
5. "Where the Streets Have No Name"
4. "Until the End of the World"
3. "Pride (In the Name of Love)"
2. "One"
1. "With or Without You"
Comment: I had a heck of a time narrowing this list down to only 5.  The top 2 were easy, but coming up with the latter three was tough.

Top 5 TV Shows
5. "Quantum Leap"
4. "Breaking Bad"
3. "Cheers"
2. "Seinfeld"
1. "Friends"
Comment: Honorable mention to "The Americans," "24" and "The Office." Maybe I should have done different lists for comedies and dramas...

Top 5 Turnpike Troubadours Songs
5. "The Funeral"
4. "Ringing in the Year"
3. "Down Here"
2. "Every Girl"
1. "7&7"
Comment: This one was even tougher than U2.  I love this band and they have so many great songs, it was tough to narrow it down to 10, let alone 5.

Top 5 Sports Movies
5. "Bull Durham"
4. "Field of Dreams"
3. "Major League"
2. "The Natural"
1. "Hoosiers"
Comment: A baseball-centric list, topped by a basketball movie.

Top 5 Creedence Clearwater Revival Songs
5. "Lookin' Out My Back Door"
4. "Proud Mary"
3. "Fortunate Son"
2. "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?"
1. "Lodi"
Comment: CCR is one of the more underrated bands from the '60s and '70s.  "Lodi" is one of the great "life on the road" songs of all time.

Top 5 Breakfast Cereals
5. Crunch Berries
4. Honey Nut Cheerios
3. Reese's Puffs
2. Lucky Charms
1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Comment: Yeah, yeah, I like kid cereals rather than the healthy adult stuff.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the crack of breakfast cereals.

Top 5 BBQ Places (where I've eaten)
5. Vitek's (Waco, TX)
4. Sugarfire (St. Louis, MO)
3. Q39 (Kansas City, MO)
2. Adam's Smokehouse (St. Louis, MO)
1. Pappy's Smokehouse (St. Louis, MO)
Comment: I've largely found KC BBQ to be overrated, though Joe's and Jack's Stack receive honorable mention.

Top 5 Pearl Jam Songs
5. "Better Man"
4. "Corduroy"
3. "Alive"
2. "Elderly Woman Behind a Counter in a Small Town"
1. "Black"
Comment: Another tough, tough list because there are so many good choices.

Top 5 Beers
5. Leininkugel Canoe Paddler Kolsch
4. Schlafly White Lager
3. Shiner Bock
2. Urban Chestnut Zwickel
1. Schlafly Summer Lager
Comment: The top 3 were easy.  After that, it was tough.

What are your thoughts?  Do you agree with my choices?  What would your top 5s be in these categories?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for reading!